I got roped into this atrocity by one of those click-bait headlines promising to show you the "best horror movies you've never heard of." Wel, it certainly showed me several I'd never heard of, but none of them were anywhere close to "best," especially this clump. Evidently, the very strangely put-together star, Kelley Brook, has been in a few TV shows or something, but I don't know how or why. She can't act. She can't even act like she can act. She was even more lame than the poor Indonesian dude who played her husband. In fact, the only real actors in the film were the kids and I'm hoping being in this thing doesn't ruin their future. There's seriously no scares, no story, no magic, nothing supernatural, or anything else that would make this be called a horror movie. Avoid this at all cost.
Amusement (2008)If it weren't for these reviews, I would never have figured out what was going on
19 June 2019
For a while, I thought I'd gotten a faulty DVD because the first portion of this film didn't tie in with the rest--or at least, the character "involved" in it was so totally forgettable that I didn't add 2+2 and come up with 4. The villain ("The Laugh") is a bit on the goofy side and the premise isn't much better. A kid got snubbed in grade school by 3 girls and now he's getting even with them as an adult. That's pretty much it. Not scary, kind of cliche, and hardly worth the time.
Absolutely the worst film of all time.
28 April 2019
This thing never deserved to make it onto celluloid, let alone digital video. The acting is absolutely pathetic, the script was written by a moron, there wasn't a single likeable character, and the premise was completely ridiculous. When I looked up the credentials of the lead actress (the daughter), I was shocked that she'd been in dozens of films and TV series. I wouldn't hire her to mulch the garden--she was that horrible. The constant shrieking, the odd look, the big mouth, the hideous bangs the pinched face; I'm talking bad. Bad acting, bad re-acting, and just gross-looking. This POS is 2 and a half hours. at the one hour mark, I started fast forwarding like a madman just to get through it. And even that didn't help. Steer clear.
The Last Movie Star (I) (2017)This hurts...
1 July 2018
Burt Reynolds is a great actor. He took a few departures for the money during his career, but he's still one great actor. Watching this thing hurt, because I'm in my mid-60's. This is coming... 5 years, 10 years, 15 years... I dunno, but it's coming. And Burt pulled this off beautifully which is something most of us couldn't do at his age. I'm glad I watched it and I hate that I watched it.
Get Out (I) (2017)Been Done and Done Better
16 March 2018
It's as if nobody remembers 1975's "The Stepford Wives" which is precisely where this script came from. Ira Levine did a great job on the novel and William Goldman did a great job on the screenplay. Jordan Peele may have never seen that film but what "Get Out" portrays about racism was already done--except with sexism. Think about it... All these husbands wanted their wives to be perfect little housewives in white, middle class suburbia so they "program" them to be exactly what they want them to be. And in "Get Out," the people want to use black folks' bodies in white, middle class suburbia so they "transplant" their white brain into them to be exactly what they want to be in a different body. I don't know--maybe it's me. Maybe I'm mis-reading the whole thing, but it sure looks like an obvious rip-off that's getting way too much acclaim for what it is.
Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018 TV Special)Pretty sad Carlin imitation
4 March 2018
Chris Rock was one of the best in his time and his time is long gone. "He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book!" That's the kind of infantile shit this Netflix special is filled with - stuff the dumbass at your office comes up with and tells everyone trying to be funny. There's still a bit of the old insight there, but his pauses waiting for laughs, his old facial expressions that used to kill but look goofy now, and his "Yeah, I said it" are really old. The routines go on forever...you'll listen to "Bush was so bad he gave us Obama" for 10 minutes waiting for the laugh--and it never comes. I'd rather watch the old ones. He didn't age well.
Detroit (2017)It Hurts The PC Police, But It's On The Nose
3 December 2017
Yes, I've read the reviews from the Gen Xers and the Millennials who all doubt the accuracy and want to believe this is some alternate universe, but this is it. This is what it was like. This is what it was like when I was activated during the riots when Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated. This was what it was like when I was activated during the Nashville prison riots. I hate to rain on your delicate sensibilities, but this is ~precisely~ what it was like. A disturbing look at the times, but an accurate look at the times. These actors and the director captured it PERFECTLY. I am blown away at how realistic and factual this film nailed it. Folks think it was only the South where racism existed and they're dead-ass wrong. Racism was worse in Detroit, Boston, and St. Louis than it ever was in the South. Want to argue about this? Unless you've got a time machine, don't waste your keystrokes because you don't know what you're talking about.
Hangman (II) (2017)An Al Pacino Look-a-Like Perhaps?
24 November 2017
Somebody please tell me what kind of "accent" Al Pacino was going for in this movie--or if he's just given up and decided he needed a few bucks to tide him over for the winter. You know, when you see that Al Pacino's in a movie, you go in with expectations. And if he was looking to shatter these expectations, then he did it brilliantly because a high-school kid could have done a better job. Supposedly, Al quit drinking years ago but watching this performance you find yourself thinking, "He's off the wagon and thinks he's from Alabama..." "Yo guess is as good as maaaahn..." and all the normal "Al Pacino impersonator" posturing is there (sort of like watching Kevin Spacey do him on Letterman before Spacey became persona non gratis). The shame of this movie is that it could have been good. If Pacino had played it in something other than a sleepwalk and if the director had had his head out of his butt, it could have worked. Everything was there... except the acting and the directing.
Black Butterfly (II) (2017)Great Suspense Film
21 June 2017
This was a really great, suspenseful film and I was very surprised I hadn't heard about it someplace. Weird how they'll spend all this dough on a movie and not publicize it at all. Antonio Banderas was amazingly powerful and showed a good range of skills. Jonathan Rhys Meyers was also very good, but a little ham-handed in the way he played the psycho. How do play a psycho overboard? Not sure, but he managed it. The atmosphere managed to be both claustrophobic AND cinematic at the same time thanks to the closeness of the cabin and the isolated surroundings. The location was beautiful, the story was believable, and it kept my attention for the entire 90 minutes which is becoming more and more difficult with the junk Hollywood's been putting out lately. I'd give this a solid 8 out of 10, this year especially.
The Belko Experiment (2016)Kind of Goofy, But Watchable
20 June 2017
This movie was sort of a re-hash / re-telling of several "Experiment" films I've seen over the past several years. Kind of like where they get people together in prisons and let half of them be the guards and the rest prisoners, etc. It works to show man's inhumanity to man - and that's something we all know exists - but the premise is always a little bit on the silly side because there's no way to suspend disbelief enough to assume anybody would care one way or the other. The ending of this one separates it just a bit from the pack. Not what you'd expect...without giving it away or putting in spoilers. Sadly, there aren't many good movies coming out of Hollywood lately thanks to Amazon and Netflix, so this is about as good as you're going to get.
Once Upon a Time in Venice (2017)Great entertainment
17 June 2017Warning: Spoilers
When you look at the trash they're passing off as movies this year, you'll appreciate Once Upon a Time in Venice. The characters are hilarious, especially the ones portrayed by John Goodman and Thomas Middleditch. Jason Momoa cracked me up, too--I wasn't sure the guy could act at all until I saw this. The premise and plot are ridiculous but the way Bruce Willis plays it straight shows that he's still great at what he started out doing - playing the same smart-ass detective he played in Moonlighting. Probably the best thing about the movie was the eventual partnership between Willis and Goodman. They should do more movies together. Two larger than life characters on screen at the same time with neither one taking all the attention is unusual. Is it an Oscar nominee? This year, it ought to be.
Live by Night (2016)Pretty Good Crime Thriller
24 April 2017
Yeah, I know I'm supposed to hate Ben Affleck because he did his woman wrong or he was a horrible Batman or because he got into a fight with Bill Maher over liberalism, blah, blah, blah, but all of that nonsense aside, this was a good, solid crime thriller period piece. I wasn't alive back then and neither were any of you, so take it with a grain of salt and enjoy the ride. It's got Irish mob, Mafia, Cuba, prohibition, gambling, Florida, murder, sex, violence, bombing, and the story is just fine--not disjointed at all. No, it wasn't "The Godfather" - and I didn't expect it to be. But after all the negative press, I almost expected it to be "Plan 9 From Outer Space." It wasn't. It was a good way to spend 2 hours and 10 minutes. Kept my attention which is lot more than I can say for most new films.
Moonlight (I) (2016)Good; not great
28 February 2017
First hour and a half was great. Very emotional. But this "no talking" stuff out of Chiron got old real fast after 90 minutes. There's just so much you can pick up from a no-talking main character who never does anything, you know? Mahershala Ali was good--but he was on screen for what? 15 minutes? Best supporting actor nominee? Maybe if he'd been in the movie instead of the credits, I could see it. And, in fact, his character was the best one in the entire film--the most engaging. And if you blinked your eyes, you missed him. As I said, a good film, but not great. It won't hold up. Never should have won the Oscar. But it was better than La La Land, that's for sure.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)Absolutely ridiculous but like a train wreck...
19 January 2017
First 2 minutes of the movie they've got Military Police arresting a County Sheriff. Impossible. Could not, would not, cannot happen. This is a hallmark of both Jack Reacher films and all of the Jack Reacher books. They know so little of how the US Army operates and they just don't care to research it. With that bit of trivia out of the way, and if you can get past the inaccuracies, it's a good little action movie. Tom Cruise may be a flake, but he hardly ever fails to make a tight, well-paced thriller and he doesn't disappoint in this one. It won't be winning any Oscars for best picture, but you most definitely will not be bored.
Inferno (I) (2016)Too Long Between Films
9 January 2017
Honestly--it took Dan Brown less time to write the book than it did to bring it to film and what happened in the meantime is that everyone forgot the last two films. I've read all three books and even I didn't remember the events leading up to this film. You can't really do a trilogy that depends heavily on the first two books and then wait 7 years to get it out. Here's Dan Brown's timeline: Angels & Demons (2000) The Da Vinci Code (2003) The Lost Symbol (2009) Inferno (2013) And here's Ron Howard's: Angels & Demons (2006) The Da Vinci Code (2009) Inferno (2016) Books are forgiving--you can pick one up and read the last chapter and you're right there. Films are not forgiving. This film should have been done in two parts; one released immediately after the other. Maybe it's just me; maybe I have a short memory. But this is the impression I got watching it. It wasn't bad. If I had 6 hours to kill, I'd watch them back-to-back. But I don't and I won't.
Humans (2015–2018)Great Sci Fi--If you haven't seen the original, this is the best.
28 December 2016
If you have seen the original, then this is #2. Seriously. Despite the fact that this one has Gemma Chan in it--and she's like a million times more effective in the role than the original cast member- -this series isn't as good as the original. They kind of "adapted" the script in this one, and for no apparent reason. Oh, it's still good--amazingly good--and if you don't like subtitled stuff or have access to the original, don't give it another thought. But if you DO, definitely see the original. With that elitist crap out of the way, the story is brilliant, the characters are right on the money, the interactions are great, and it's thought provoking. And if you HAVE seen the original, but not this, you owe it to yourself to see both.
Better Than You'd Think
17 September 2016
I watched this thinking it'd be a waste of time or a Borat rip-off or a boring stereotypical attempt at comedy. Well, okay... it was stereotypical, but not in a bad way. AND it was pretty funny. Not that many "Middle Eastern" jokes--only enough so you don't forget the character is a new arrival in the US and not completely in tune with American society. I hadn't heard of Maz Jobrani before this; I saw him in The Interpreter but evidently he didn't make that much of an impression. In this movie, as the star, he was great. Just the right amount of slapstick and just the right amount of naivete. The back stories were pretty good, didn't detract from the movie at all, and actually helped give insight into the main character (as much as you can expect in a comedy). This ain't Caddyshack, Young Frankenstein, or The Big Lebowski--but it was good fun and PG-13.
Now You See Me 2 (2016)Ridiculous... but entertaining
21 August 2016Warning: Spoilers
The first one was excellent--this one is cheesy, but it still holds your attention. As an example, when they're taking the "chip" out of the computer room and tossing it around on the back of a playing card like it's a frisbee from one to the other, you'll notice that everybody gets searched like a dozen times. Yeah, it's fancy camera work, but it makes no sense. After the guards search the first person, pass the damned thing to him/her and be done with it. The scene went on for 15 minutes and then ended with Woody Harrelson almost miss catching the card in his hat of all things. I don't know how they got these actors to sign on for the second installment, honestly. And is it just me or does Jesse Eisenberg play a great prick because he's really a prick and it's not acting? Really--I'm getting tired of seeing him play pricks in every movie he's in. If that's just him, then it's not acting.
Hallows' Eve (2013)Pretty Much Ridiculous from Beginning to As Far As You Can Stand
2 August 2016Warning: Spoilers
Let's start out with the acting which is truly, truly horrendous. I'm guessing the little girl was supposed to have a stutter for some oddball reason, but people don't stutter like that. "M-m-matthew" isn't something you're liable to hear in speech therapy and about the third time she did it was plenty. Then we'll move on to her running in front of a tractor which plows her under. If you've ever been around farm equipment, you'll know that tractors aren't Formula One cars. In order to get run over by a tractor you'd have to have your feet in concrete. And hilariously, she looks up at the driver who just can't seem to stop in time--and the next time we see her, she's not only lying in a pool of chocolate syrup, she's under the trailer the tractor is pulling. So at 3MPH, he ran completely over her and didn't put on the brake until he'd squashed her with both the front and rear tires which is pretty much impossible since tractor tires don't line up front and rear. Best line ever, though, after the girl is squashed: "What have we done?" Second best line, "S-uhm-body g-het a dha-hah-ctor." That's supposed to be a combination of sobbing and talking in case the spelling threw you. Walk away--very quickly--and don't look back.
Dead of Summer (2016)Absolutely Hilarious
30 July 2016Warning: Spoilers
The most "politically correct over-the-top" TV show I've ever seen in my life. They've got it all: the slut, the gay guy, the transgender, the drug dealer, the deputy sheriff, the inter-racial relationship, the young guy and old woman relationship, the summer camp, the devil- worshippers... What more could you ask for. It's easily the worst show on television. Easily. The writers are either juvenile fatheads in a room full of dope smoke or geniuses who know exactly what appeals to these hipster-millenials who don't have a clue what the world is about. I watch it for all the wrong reasons, I guess. But it really is a joy to watch. Sort of like watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space."
The Frugal Gourmet (1983–1995)One of the Top PBS Cooking Shows
27 July 2016
Right after Julia Child and Jacques Pepin, Jeff Smith stands out as one of the champions of the early PBS cooking shows. Was he frugal? Yes, he was--he didn't waste anything and he was careful and cautious about what he cooked. Was he a gourmet? Yes, he was--he was a connoisseur of fine food and drink. So let's put those little adolescent rants about the title of his show to rest. Now--did he always do it correctly? No, and like Julia Child, he was the first to admit if something didn't turn out well. But as far as showing his audience how to get their hands dirty and actually TRY to cook something other than meatloaf, mashed potatoes from a box, and a can of peas for the family dinner, he was great. And his background/history lessons during the cooking were extremely entertaining even when they weren't 100% on the mark. Back in the 90's, it became fashionable for "critics" to take potshots at Jeff Smith because he was extremely good at what he did and was highly successful... and they were merely critics who couldn't do anything well except criticize. What these critics, most especially Barbara Grizzuti Harrison, succeeded in doing was showing their mean-spirit and pettiness while the Frugal Gourmet continued to be the most-watched cooking show on PBS. Greed finally took the show down in the form of allegations against Jeff Smith by former employees, none of which were proved and none of which resulted in prosecution. Jeff Smith, Julia Child, Jacques Pepin, Justin Wilson, and Paul Prudhomme taught me and thousands of others to cook and while he wasn't the most proficient of the bunch, he was the most entertaining.
The Lone Ranger (2013)Proof That Critics No Nothing
3 July 2016
I still can't believe critics hated this movie. What were they expecting? Citizen Kane? No kidding, "The Long Ranger" probably has the most exciting 15 minutes of film since "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and it doesn't pretend to be an art film--it's just entertainment. Johnny Depp was absolutely hilarious as Tonto: he should have gotten an Academy Award. And Armie Hammer's take on the Lone Ranger was spot on--just the right amount of naivete mixed with derring-do. I've watched this film three times and after watching it today (got sucked in--didn't intend to, but I was going through my DVD collection and thought, "Hmmmm") I'm convinced that critics are insane. Toward the end, when the William Tell Overture starts--to let you know that something big is about to happen--something big HAPPENS. I don't know... Maybe because I grew up watching the old Lone Ranger TV show (which sucked)... but this is one of the best Action films I've seen in quite a while. And you know, I actually write movie reviews for whatsonnetflix.com so maybe ~one~ of the critics knows his rear end from third base after all.
Cell (I) (2016)Horrible... from Cusack's eyeliner to Jackson's "Scaredy-Cat" Persona-horrible
12 June 2016
Granted, the book wasn't that great, either. It was one of Stephen King's clunkers and they're few and far between, but it wasn't a literary masterpiece. But this movie? I watched the whole thing - really. I watched Stacey Keach do a cameo as the "headmaster". I watched Samuel L. Jackson shriek, "I'm just doing this for the money!" and I watched John Cusack weep, "Look, I know I used to be pretty good, but now I don't know what I'm doing and I spent so much money on this Maybelline eyeliner that I've got to do something with it." Please steer clear of this one. Sure, the acting is good--it's John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. But the story is ridiculous, the premise if foolish, and the resolution is non-existent.
Luciferous (2015)Pathetic, truly pathetic
19 May 2016
When the directors are the writers; the writers are the actors; and the directors/writers/actors' spouses are also actors, your best bet is to walk away as quickly as you possibly can. Where in the world did these people get funding for this piece of junk? Did somebody's mother die and leave them a fortune in real estate or something? The plot is ridiculous; laughable. The acting is something you might see in a high school musical; the cinematography, the score, the dialog, it's all completely horrible. I apologize for not being able to prove that the good reviews of this film were written by crew members--I don't have the resources for that. But anybody with half a brain will realize that's what happened here. The most disgraceful use of celluloid, plastic, bandwidth, and electricity I've ever witnessed. Run away--run away as fast as you can.
Knock Knock (I) (2015)Want to screw up a movie? Hire Keanu Reeves
12 December 2015
A promising movie that fails to deliver on all counts, but the most glaring problem is the star. A cigar store Indian could act rings around Keanu Reeves. Bill & Ted, River's Edge--yeah--he was great. Because he was playing himself. A weird, stiff, plastic moron. But since then he hasn't been able to find a role for a weird, stiff, plastic moron and yet he's made a career for himself. Hard to understand. The film is 90 minutes and the first half hour was the most excruciating period of time I've spent in a long time. You could honestly pick up a bum on the street, get him to read these lines, and he'd do a better job than Keanu Reeves. The only time he doesn't act stiff is when two young girls in bathrobes are dancing around his living room which is exactly when he SHOULD be acting stuff. If you want a real treat, try to last until the 35 minute mark when he says, "It's... usually... not... as... exciting... around... here." I laughed myself sick.