Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Lou: Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a fuck?
Jacob: For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.
Lou: You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.
Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?
Girl at Club: Can you what?
Jacob: Are you online at all?
Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?
Girl at Club: You come find me.
Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.
Adam: [to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!
Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?
Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.
Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.
Lou: [Trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister! I'm doing it! Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen. Little Tiny Jacobs!
Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.
Adam: Whats in it?
Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.
Jacob: [To Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason, I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!
Nick: Lou, why would he do this?
Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.
Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.
Adam: He has a mountain of debt.
Nick: He hates his mother.
Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.
Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.
Adam: He's got halitosis.
Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up
Adam: Oh yeah!
Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.
Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.
Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!
Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.
Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?
Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.
Nick: Don't say that!
Lou: I'm sorry, I do!
Lou: If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon, I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself.
Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.
Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.
Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.
Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.
Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.
Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!
Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.
Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!
Nick: Just like Cincinatti.
Adam: You're gonna bring that up?
Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?
Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?
Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!
Nick: You keep it in the closet?
Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.
Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?
Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?
Jacob: Is it a fetus?
Nick: My friends are ridiculous.
Jacob: Do I really got to be the asshole that says we got in this thing and went back in time?
Nick: It must be some kind of hot tub time machine...
[deadpans into camera]
Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.
Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!
Lou: It's still a three-way!
Lou: If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick.
April: Maybe the universe will bring us together again...
Adam: The carving you made 20 years ago, about me sucking cocks and dicks, it's not there.
Lou: Wait. Is "cocks" still there?
Adam: Nothing. I mean, it's not there.
Lou: What about "dicks"?
Adam: Neither "cocks," nor "dicks," nor "sucks."
Lou: Oh, God!
Nick: That's it. We're stuck in the fuckin' '80s!
Jacob: [about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchbag from Karate Kid 3.
Jacob: [from trailer] Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time?
Lou: [to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't fuckin' lie to me, every one of you people have ritalin.
Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.
Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
Jacob: It's not a suppository!
Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!
Jacob: [Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.
Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.
Lou: God. Relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friends face before.
Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.
Tara: No seriously my name is Tara.
Nick: Not you, my wife.
Tara: You're married?
Nick: No, not yet, she's nine.
Receptionist: I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.
Lou: [overhears Nick's name] ... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *fucking* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?
Nick: It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.
Nick: [on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?
Lou: Let's go to the bar, plan our empire. Fucking iPods, you know? Fucking Prius. Match.com. Anything.com. Fucking Internet.com! Fucking Zac Efron. Nobody invented him yet. What about Twitter? Whatever the fuck that is. Hey, we could combine Twitter with fucking Viagra. Twitt-agra.
Lou: It's called male bonding okay. Haven't you even seen 'Wild Hogs'?
Adam: Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.
Nick: He made you his little bitch!
Adam: He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.
Lou: None of this is helping me at all.
Adam: I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.
Adam: Maybe you're supposed to do something different...
Blaine: What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.
Adam: You're better than him!
Adam: Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!
Blaine: The moment's over. Let's go!
Adam: You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here! You can be the hero!
Adam: You love that song, don't you?
Lou: I love that fucking song!
[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]
Lou: God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!
Blaine: You know how everyone has that friend who's an idiot? He's our idiot.
April: What happened to your...
Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.
Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?
Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?
Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.
Jacob: That all sounds overrated.
Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.
Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".
Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?
Nick: [upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthafucka.
Young Adam: [to Jenny, as Adam flashes back] It's not you, it's me.
[Jenny stabs Young Adam in right eye with plastic fork]
Young Adam: Ah!
Dr. Jeff: I'm Dr. Jeff. Lou's resting. He's denying that it's a suicide attempt. Medically, he's stable; so, medically we can't keep him here. But, we do think he should be monitored for a few days. Does he have any family?
Adam: Lou's family all kind of hate him.
Dr. Jeff: Okay, well, then, I guess it's up to you guys - his friends You are his friends? Right?
Nick: It's like that friend who's the asshole. He's our asshole.
Jacob: You don't think it's a little weird, a bunch of guys just piling up in a big bathtub together, naked?
Jacob: Shit! This is the black diamond?
Lou: That's all you got?
Nick: I don't remember this.
Lou: Tips down. Tips fuckin' down! Right away. Let's ride.
Adam: By all counts we should be pretty fucked up right now, but I - I kind of feel great.
Nick: I feel crazy right now.
Lou: I feel fantastic! I wanna *fuck* somethin'!
Jacob: Wait. How is this happening? Can we talk about this for a minute?
Adam: [picks up a flyer] Holy fuck! Winterfest '86. We were here, man. We are here! What if we run into ourselves?
Adam: I knew this trip was a bad idea. Every time I hang out with you, man, it's some kind of shit storm. I got guilted into coming on this trip and now I'm back in the fuckin' '80s. And I hate this decade!
Jacob: Guys! This is scientifically possible.
Lou: Oh, my God. Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible.
Jacob: All right, I write Stargate fan fiction, so I think I know what I'm talking about right now.
Lou: I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork.
Jacob: Okay. The tub is obviously some kind of energy vortex, right? Like a black hole! But, instead of being in space, it's, you know, it's in a hot tub. Time is not linear, we just perceive it that way!
Repairman: I thought maybe I could pull the part from one of the other tubs. But it turns out this is a very special model that you have here. You've got to be very careful, I tell you. One little thing is changed, the whole system can go haywire. Do you understand what I'm saying? The whole system can go haywire if you change one little thing.
Nick: You know what's going on here, don't you, old man?
Repairman: Yes, I do. Your tub is on the fritz. It'd behoove you to fix it.
Lou: Wow! I don't remember her being that fucking beautiful.
Nick: And tight. She's so tight.
Lou: She's really fuckin' tight!
Jacob: One, two, three...
Jacob: It felt good. Admit it.
Kelly: Whatever! I'm gonna go to a party at the ski patrol house, I'm gonna find a sexy instructor and I'm gonna wax his fuckin' pole. Later, homos.
Jenny: God, I can't stop thinking about last night. It was like - friggin' hot.
Adam: It was? What did we do? I don't remember.
Jenny: You lasted, like, 10 minutes.
Lou: I didn't fuck that girl. Okay? Because I'm committed to not changing the past.
Jacob: Right. It had nothing to do with her wanting to be a Chinese finger trap. And I'm not saying that because she was Asian.
Jenny: Everybody knows what a big deal you're gonna be some day.
Adam: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not anybody.
Jenny: Adam, okay. It's not you, it's me.
Adam: I say that to you. You don't say that to me. That's not how this works.
April: You got to embrace the chaos. You have to. That way, life might just astonish you.
Lou: What's the matter, dude? Come on.
Nick: I'm sorry, man. I'm just preoccupied.
Lou: You just kind of down about being black and out of shape?
Nick: What the fuck is wrong with you? No.
Lou: Because you look good, you know? This is a great time for black people. I mean our time, not this time. This is a terrible time for black people.
Adam: I'm not really making any plans. I'm just sort of letting the universe surprise me, right?
April: I like that. I like that a lot. That's the sign of a happy man.
Lou: Come on! Come on, come on. Panties, panties, panties!
Kelly: What the fuck are you doing?
Lou: Why don't you shut your slut mouth and mind your own fucking business?
Kelly: You disgust me. I love how much you hate you.
Lou: Thank you.
Kelly: Aren't you coming to my room with me?
Lou: No, I gotta take my clothes off and get in a hot tub with these guys.
Adam: Don't fuck around, Lou. Let's go!
Lou: I'm good here, man. I had a good day! I beat the shit out of that guy, finally! I fucked your sister!
Adam: If you're gonna stay, I'm gonna stay!
Lou: You'd really do that for me?
Adam: We're best friends! If you're staying, I'm staying! Your bullshit's my bullshit, right?
Lou: I'm your best friend?
Adam: You are *one* of my best friends.
Lou: I'll take that!
Lou: [singing] You know that I've seen, Too many romantic dreams, Up in lights, Falling off the silver screen, My heart's like an open book, For the whole world to read, Sometimes nothing keeps me together, At the seams, I'm on my way, I'm on my way, Home sweet home...
Repairman: [indicates cigarette machine] Hey, maybe what you need isn't in here after all.
[indicates Candy Girl's heart]
Repairman: Maybe what *you* need has always been in here.
Candy Girl: Really?