Year One (2009)
Oh: I just want to lay with her so badly.
Zed: I don't see it. I mean she's cute, but I don't think I'd lay with her.
Oh: She's your sister. I mean, it would be like laying with your mother.
Zed: Which was a *big* mistake, I see that now.
Zed: You could be my right-hand man.
Oh: I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.
Zed: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner.
Cain: For the crimes- of blasphemy - heresy - conspiracy - treachery - leprosy - puppetry - hyperbole - animal husbandry - sodomy... Oh, it's refusal of sodomy - overt punditry - and the murder of my brother Abel - the prisoners shall be stoned - TO DEATH!
Abraham: We are the Hebrews. Righteous people - not very good at sports.
Abraham: [addressing Zed, Oh, and Isaac] Therefore, to signify my covenant with the one true God, I shall on this day circumcise the flesh of my penis. And of you. And you, and of you, and every male who dwelleth hereby.
Zed: Excuse me?
Oh: I don't know what you mean.
Abraham: We shall grasp the foreskins of our penises, and we shall cut therefrom the extra flesh. Amen.
Zed: Oh... I don't think I have any extra.
Oh: Couldn't we pierce our ears or something?
Abraham: No, no, no. So it shall be written, and so it shall be done.
Zed: Let me get this straight. You're saying you have too much cock? And you wanna...
[makes a cutting gesture. Abraham nods]
Zed: You know, Abe, it's been a long day, we've all had a lot to drink, and I know that this foreskin thing sounds like a good idea now, but you might wanna sleep on it. We can always cut it off in the morning. But if we do it now, there's just no way to get it back on there.
Abraham: No, no, no, trust me, it's gonna be a very, very sleek look. This is gonna catch on. I'm gonna go get my good knife. Just wait right there. I'll be right back to cut your penises. Not the whole thing, you understand. Just the very tip. And after, we're all gonna have wine and sponge cake.
Princess Inanna: Come! Come quick!
Zed: That won't be a problem.
Zed: What are we doing here?
Princess Inanna: I want you to enter the Holiest of Holies.
Zed: Oh, that's quite a coincidence, because I want you to sit on the Poliest of Polies.
[Zed has eaten an apple from the 'Tree of Knowledge']
Zed: I might know everything. Ask me something!
Oh: Where does the sun go at night?
Zed: Pass. Next question.
Oh: Where do babies come from?
Zed: Pass. Next question.
Oh: [noticing a snake] There's a snake on my foot.
Zed: In the form of a question!
Oh: [scared] There's a snake on my foot?
Zed: [pointing to wheels] What are these big, round things for?
Cain: They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.
[Zed and Oh are riding on the cart, with their arms in the air]
Oh: I feel like a bird!
Oh: [Oh and Eema come back out after having sex] She's not a virgin anymore!
Eema: He's not a virgin either.
Oh: I saved a life with my love making!
Oh: If we never ever see you again, it's not because we are avoiding you!
[a hunter knocks a bowl of berries out of Oh's hand]
Oh: Well, there won't be any berries in the fruit salad now, so we all lose.
High Priest: Behind these doors is the Holiest of Holies, earthly domain of the gods. A place so ineffably sacred, so powerful, that he who enters... Instant death!
Oh: Who cleans it?
Oh: [on Cain killing Abel] You were holding a rock and he ran into it with his face repeatedly until he just couldn't pull through.
Zed: [Abraham draws back with the knife, about to stab Isaac] STOP! What are you doin' with that kid?
Abraham: [Abraham freezes, with the knife still held high] ... Nothing.
Abraham: This is my son, sir. We were playing a game, alright? It's called... "Burny Burny Cut Cut".
Cain: [to his father Adam, while trying to flee on a slow-moving cart] Eat my dust, father!
Cain: What transpires within the confines of the walls of Sodom, stays within the confines of the walls of Sodom.
Zed: Look, I want you to know... I blame myself for everything that's happened.
Maya: Yeah, so does everybody else.
Zed: It seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin to me...
Pedestrian Villager: He guys, I'm trying to enjoy a sacrifice with my family. Do you mind? Do you mind?
Maya: When my parents were killed by that pack of wild dogs, you really helped me see the funny side.
Zed: [imitating dogs barking] "No, no! He's got my ankle!"
Oh: [Zed and Oh are fleeing Abraham's camp to avoid being circumcised] Do you have any idea where we're going?
Zed: Yup, we're going to Sodom. We have to save Maya and Eema.
Oh: [referring to Abraham] But he said that God was gonna smite Sodom with holy fire.
Zed: Yeah? God also told him to chop off the tip of his dick.
Isaac: [screaming in the distance] Dad, no! No!
Oh: So listen, I've been thinking, what constitutes the tip of the penis? Because his definition might not be the same as mine. Like, what if the tip is your favorite part?
Zed: The tip is your *only* part.
Zed: Can I see you later?
Maya: I think I have to wash my hair.
Zed: You washed your hair last year.
Marlak: Stay away from my woman.
Zed: Not gonna be possible, Marlak. She's not your woman. You can't own people. Except for the guy who bought all of us. Apparently, he can.
Zed: To the north!
Maya: You know that that's west.
Zed: Mmm hmm, yeah, I was just checking to see if you knew. To the west!
[under his breath]
Zed: I'm already glad you're here.
High Priest: [the eunuch removes one of his testicles from his leather pouch. Throws and hits Zed with it] HIGH PRIEST: Did he just hurl his own ball at him? How spectacular.