John Cho: Harold
Harold Lee : It's because of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place - fucking cowards!
Terrorist #1 : Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist!
Kumar Patel : Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!
Neil Patrick Harris : Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."
Kumar Patel : Why did you do that?
Neil Patrick Harris : I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake.
Kumar Patel : Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?
Neil Patrick Harris : Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
Kumar Patel : Sure.
Neil Patrick Harris : Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H?
Harold Lee : Patrick Harris.
Neil Patrick Harris : No, common mistake. Poon handler.
Harold Lee : After all the shit we've been through, I don't... I don't know if we can trust our government anymore.
George W. Bush : Trust the government? Heck, I'm in the government and I don't even trust it. You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American. You just have to believe in your country.
Light-Skinned Black Security : [after Kumar walks through metal detector] Sir, I need you to step aside please. I need to search you.
Kumar Patel : Did I beep?
Light-Skinned Black Security : Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here.
Kumar Patel : [stepping aside] Random, huh?
Light-Skinned Black Security : Yeah.
Kumar Patel : So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?
Harold Lee : Come on, just do what the guy says.
Light-Skinned Black Security : Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.
Kumar Patel : So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist?
Light-Skinned Black Security : Racist? Dude, I'm black!
Harold Lee : He's black! He's not racist!
Kumar Patel : [laughing] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.
Harold Lee : No...!
Light-Skinned Black Security : Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch?
Kumar Patel : I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
Kumar Patel : Are all the guards in Guantanamo Bay gay?
Big Bob : Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick!
Kumar Patel : What?
Big Bob : In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your mouths.
Harold Lee : Why don't you kick our asses instead?
Big Bob : GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!
Big Bob : Hope you boys like extra mayo.
Kumar Patel : What's up with this party?
Raza : What do you mean?
Harold Lee : There's exposed vagina all over your house.
Raza : Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
Harold Lee : Really? I always liked topless.
Raza : Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.
Kumar Patel : [taking a dump] Oh God, dude!
Harold Lee : [in shower] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing?
Kumar Patel : I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.
Harold Lee : You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower?
Kumar Patel : Um, may I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?
[continues to take a dump]
Kumar Patel : Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too.
Harold Lee : Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower!
Kumar Patel : Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an hour.
Harold Lee : An hour?
Kumar Patel : Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy?
Harold Lee : Yeah?
Kumar Patel : Nice pubes.
Harold Lee : [while running through jungle with Kumar] Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf!
Kumar Patel : Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you?
Harold Lee : No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?
Kumar Patel : That's how Chunk got over with Sloth in The Goonies.
Harold Lee : This thing looks like Sloth?
Kumar Patel : All I saw was the creature's hand.
Harold Lee : The hand looks like Sloth?
Kumar Patel : The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like claws and shit!
Kumar Patel : [after getting through checkpoint] Holy fucking shit that was awesome!
Neil Patrick Harris : Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance!
Harold Lee : You do!
Neil Patrick Harris : Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright?
Harold Lee : No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man.
Neil Patrick Harris : No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!
Kumar Patel : I fucked up, okay? And I always fuck up. I am a fuck up!
Harold Lee : You think?
Kumar Patel : Harold, you're my best friend, dude. You mean the world to me, man. I love you.
Lt. Derek Davis : [coughing] Queers.
Kumar Patel : And I promise you if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, okay? It's not just going to be about Kumar all the time. It's going to be about Kumar and Harold.
Harold Lee : Harold and Kumar.
Kumar Patel : I kind of like the first way better.
Harold Lee : [while Harold and Kumar are parachuting] Kumar... our dicks are touching, aren't they?
Harold Lee : Quiet, Anus.
Harold Lee : Hey, I ran into Todd at Whitaker's, of course. He told me, uh, you got a job working for the government!
Colton : Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity!
Kumar Patel : [under his breath] Oh, sheesh.
Colton : When he gave my dad that appointment in the Defense Department, I became his right hand man.
Kumar Patel : Douche.