Olivia Thirlby: Leah
Leah : [Answers the phone] Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff : [On the phone with her] I'm at suicide risk.
Leah : Juno?
Juno MacGuff : No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah : Only the one in my pants...
Juno MacGuff : I'm pregnant.
Leah : What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff : Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.
Leah : It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff : No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah : How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...
Juno MacGuff : I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah : Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff : Unfortunately, yes.
Leah : Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff : There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
Leah : Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno MacGuff : I'm Pregnant.
Bren : Oh, God.
Juno MacGuff : But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac MacGuff : You're pregnant?
Juno MacGuff : I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.
Bren : I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno MacGuff : I, uh...
Mac MacGuff : Who is the kid?
Juno MacGuff : The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren : Nails, really?
Juno MacGuff : Yeah!
Mac MacGuff : No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff : Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff : Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff : What?
Mac MacGuff : I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah : I know, right?
Juno MacGuff : ...and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
Leah : Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?
Ultrasound Technician : Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah : Yes!
Juno MacGuff : No!
Leah : Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno MacGuff : No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician : Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno MacGuff : Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician : Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff : No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician : Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren : What's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician : I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff : How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah : Or, like, stage parents.
Bren : They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician : I guess not.
Bren : What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician : I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren : Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician : Excuse me?
Bren : Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.
Juno MacGuff : Bren! You's a dick! I love it!
Juno MacGuff : No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier.
Leah : Okay, well what did you have in mind?
Juno MacGuff : I was thinking more, like, graphic designer... mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.
Juno MacGuff : God, why is everyone always staring at me?
Leah : Well, you are kind of... convex.
Juno MacGuff : Wow, someone's been actually doing her geometry homework for once!
Leah : I don't have a choice. Keith's been grading me really hard lately.
Juno MacGuff : Please do not refer to Mr. Conyers as "Keith," okay? My barf reflex is already heightened these days.
Leah : All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'
Juno MacGuff : Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!
Leah : God you're getting huge. How many months has it been now?
Juno MacGuff : Um it's coming up on the eighth. You should see me naked.
Leah : I wish my funbags would get bigger.
Juno MacGuff : Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.
Leah : Hot!
Leah : Yum, this pretzel tastes like a freaking DONUT!
Leah : [sees Juno kissing Bleeker] You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!
[Juno shoots the bird at her]
Leah : But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie.
Leah : [about Bleeker taking Katrina De Voort to prom] Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.
Juno MacGuff : [defensive] I'm not jealous, and I don't care. I just know he doesn't like Katrina and I don't think he should toy with her emotions like that. She seems so nice and all.
Leah : [to Juno] God, Spermy. Must you always feed?