Kung Fu Panda (2008)
Jack Black: Po
Mr. Ping : The secret ingredient is... nothing!
Po : Huh?
Mr. Ping : You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret ingredient.
Po : Wait, wait... it's just plain old noodle soup? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something?
Mr. Ping : Don't have to. To make something special you just have to believe it's special.
[Po looks at the scroll again, and sees his reflection in it]
Po : There is no secret ingredient...
Po : The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures! Except you, Mantis. You're about the same.
Po : [checking to make sure Shifu is okay after his fight with Tai Lung] Master! Shifu! Shifu, are you okay?
Shifu : [coughs] Po. You're alive!... Or we're both dead.
Po : No, Master I didn't die. I defeated Tai Lung!
Shifu : You did?
[Po nods and smiles]
Shifu : Wow. It is as Oogway foretold, you are the Dragon Warrior. You have brought peace to this valley and... and to me. Thank you, thank you Po. Thank you, thank you.
[slowly lays his head back down, seemingly dead]
Po : No! No no no, don't die, Shifu please!
Shifu : I'm not dying, you idiot!
[he catches himself]
Shifu : Ah, Dragon Warrior. I am simply at peace.
[lays down and folds his hands together, smiling]
Shifu : Finally.
Po : Ooh, so um, I should... stop talking?
Shifu : If you can.
[Po lies down next to Shifu; long pause, then]
Po : Wanna get something to eat?
Shifu : [sighs] ... Yeah.
Shifu : [intercepting Po, who is fleeing the temple after learning he has to face Tai Lung soon] You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits!
Po : Watch me!
[tries to run around Shifu]
Po : Come on! How am I supposed to beat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs!
Shifu : You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior!
[pokes Po in his stomach]
Po : You don't believe that!
[Shifu swipes at his hand with Oogway's stick]
Po : You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me!
[Shifu knocks him to the ground]
Shifu : Yes! I was! But now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine.
Po : You're not my master. And I'm not the Dragon Warrior.
Shifu : Then why didn't you quit? You knew I was trying to get rid of you, yet you stayed!
Po : Yeah, I stayed. I stayed, because every time you threw a brick at my head, or said I smelled, it *hurt*; but it could never hurt more than every day of my life just being *me*! I *stayed* because I thought, if anyone can change me, can make me... *not* me, it was you! The greatest kung fu teacher in all of China!
Shifu : But I can change you! I *can* turn you into the Dragon Warrior! And I will!
Po : Come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now! And even if it takes him a hundred years to get here, how are *you* gonna change *this* into the Dragon Warrior? Huh? How? How? How!
Shifu : I don't know!
Shifu : I don't know.
Po : [sighs] That's what I thought.
Tai Lung : [exhausted after fighting Po] You... can't defeat me! You... you're just a big... fat... panda!
[He throws a weak punch, Po catches his hand by the finger]
Po : I'm not a big fat panda. I'm THE big fat panda.
[he raises his pinkie]
Tai Lung : [gasps] The Wuxi finger hold!
Po : Oh, you know this hold.
Tai Lung : You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that!
Po : Nope. I figured it out. Skidoosh.
[he flexes his pinkie and a golden shockwave ripples out over the valley]
[Po slurps up noodles, one ends up draped on his nose like Shifu's mustaches. Everyone starts chuckling]
Po : What?
Mantis : Oh, nothing... Master Shifu.
Po : Oh, yeah, yeah.
Po : You will never be the Dragon Warrior, unless you lose 500 pounds, and brush your teeth!
[everyone except Tigress laughs]
Po : What is that noise you're making? Laughter? I never heard of it! Work hard, panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine.
[he holds two bowls over his head to look like Shifu's ears]
Po : He was so deadly, in fact, that his enemies would go blind from over-exposure to pure awesomeness!
Po : Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung fu skills were the stuff of legend.
Po : There is no charge for awesomeness... or attractiveness.
Po : Skadoosh!
Shifu : Let us begin.
Po : What? Well, uh, I don't know if I can do *all* those moves...
Shifu : [chuckles] Well, we'll never know unless we try, will we?
Po : Well, maybe we could start out with something more at, you know, my level.
Shifu : And what level is that?
Po : Uh, well, I'm not a master but, let's just say zero, level zero.
Shifu : [chuckles] There is no such thing as level zero.
Po : Well, what about that?
[He indicates a small dummy]
Shifu : That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist...
Po : The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can get cut just by looking at - Ow!
Shifu : When you focus on kung fu, when you concentrate... you stink.
Shifu : But perhaps that is my fault. I cannot train you the way I have trained the Five. I now see that the way to get through to you, is with this.
[pulls out a bowl of dumplings]
Po : Oh great, 'cause I'm *hungry*!
Shifu : [laughs and pulls the bowl away] Good. When you have been trained, you may eat.
[He eats a dumpling]
Shifu : Let us begin.
[Tai-Lung's nerve strikes are only tickling Po]
Po : [laughing] Stop! I'm gonna pee!
Shifu : [sitting down to eat] After you, Panda.
Po : What? Just like that? No sit-ups? No ten-mile hike?
Shifu : I vowed to train you, and you have been trained. You are free to eat.
[Po sits and picks up his chopsticks]
Shifu : Enjoy.
[Po lifts a dumpling to his mouth, but it is snatched away]
Po : Hey!
Shifu : I said, you are free to eat. Have a dumpling.
[Po tries another dumpling, it is snatched away again]
Shifu : You are free. To eat.
Po : Am I?
Shifu : ARE you?
Oogway : [walking towards Po] Ah! I see that you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom!
Po : [Po turns around with a lot of peaches stuffed in his mouth] Is that what this is? I'm so sorry! I just thought it was a regular peach tree!
Oogway : I understand. You eat when you are upset.
Po : Upset? I'm not upset. Why, what makes you think I'm upset?
Oogway : So why *are* you upset?
Po : [sighs] I probably sucked more today than anybody in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!
[after hiking up into the mountains, Shifu and Po stop at a pool of water]
Po : [panting] You... dragged me all the way up here... for a bath?
[he scoops up some water]
Shifu : Panda, we do not wash our pits in the Pool of Sacred Tears.
Po : The Pool of-?
[he quickly shakes the water off his paw]
Shifu : This is where Oogway unraveled the mysteries of harmony and focus. This... is the birthplace of kung fu.
[cut to a vision of the yinyang and young Oogway mastering kung fu]
Shifu : [leaping to the top of a rock] Do you want to learn kung fu?
Po : Yeah!
Shifu : Then I *am* your master!
Po : [sniffling] Okay!
Shifu : Don't cry.
Po : [wiping his nose] Okay.
Po : [looking around at the historical artifacts in the palace] Wow! I've only seen paintings of that painting!
Po : [dazed] What are you pointing at? Oh! Okay. Sorry, I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was.
Oogway : How interesting.
Tigress : Master, are you pointing at... me?
Oogway : Him.
Po : Who?
[Moves around, Oogway's finger follows him]
Oogway : You.
Po : What?
Oogway : [Raising Po's arm with his stick] The universe has brought us the Dragon Warrior!
Po : What?
Shifu : WHAT?
Mr. Ping : WHAT?
Po : [serving a noodle bowl to a customer into which he accidentally pitched a throwing star] Careful, that soup is... sharp!
Po : [breathing heavily] I know you're trying to be all mystical and Kung Fu-ey, but could you at least tell me where we're going?
Mr. Ping : Noodles? You were really dreaming about noodles?
Po : Yeah. What else would I be dreaming about?
[hands a customer a bowl of soup with a throwing star in it]
Po : Oh, careful, that soup is... sharp.
Mr. Ping : Oh, happy day! My son finally having the noodle dream! This is a sign, Po!
Po : Uh, a sign of what?
Mr. Ping : You are almost ready to be entrusted with the secret ingredient of my secret ingredient soup. And then you will fulfill your destiny and take over the restaurant just as I took it over from my father, who took it over from his father, who won it from a friend in a game of mahjong!
Po : Ow! I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel *better*!
Mantis : Trust me, it will. It's just not easy finding the right nerve points under all this...
Po : Fat?
Mantis : Fur! I was gonna say fur.
Po : Sure you were.
Mantis : Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size, I mean, look at me!
Po : I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my kung fu may not be as good as later on.
Po : No! The Legendary Urn of Whispering Warriors; said to contain the souls of the entire Tenshu Army!
Po : [whispering to the urn] Hello?
Shifu : [from behind Po] Have you finished sight-seeing?
Po : [stunned, thinking the voice had come from the urn] Oh, sorry! I should've come to see you first!
Shifu : My patience is wearing thin.
Po : Oh. Well, I mean it's not like you were going anywhere.
Po : But dad, didn't you ever, I don't know, want to do something else? Something besides noodles?
Mr. Ping : Actually, when I was young and crazy, I thought about running away and learning how to make tofu.
Po : So why didn't you?
Mr. Ping : Oh, because it was a stupid dream! Can you imagine *me* making tofu?
Mr. Ping : No! We all have our place in this world. Mine is here, and yours is...
Po : I know. Here.
Mr. Ping : [throws Po bowls of soup to catch] No, it's at tables two, five, seven and twelve. Service with a smile!
Po : [after being hit in the crotch] Oh! My tenders!
Po : [standing before a training dummy] Hey, what you got? You got nothing because I got it right here. You picking on my friends? Get ready to feel the thunder. Come out with the crazy feet. What you goin' to do about the crazy feet. I'm a blur! I'm a blur! You never seen *Bear* style!
Po : [after a long battle against Master Shifu, he allows Po to eat. Po tosses away the dumpling] I'm not hungry... Master.
Po : Yeah, ha-ha-ha!
Shifu : You are not the Dragon Warrior! You will never be the Dragon Warrior until you learn the secret of the Dragon Scroll!
Po : [looking up at the scroll] Oh. So, how does this work, do you have a ladder or a trampoline or something?
Shifu : You think it's that easy, that I'm just going to hand you the secret to limitless power? No! One must first master the very highest level of kung fu, and that is clearly impossible when that one is someone like you!
Po : Someone like me?
Shifu : Yes! Look at you!
Shifu : This fat butt! Flabby arms!
Po : Ow! Those are sensitive in the flabby parts.
Shifu : This ridiculous belly!
Po : Hey!
Shifu : And your utter disregard for personal hygiene!
Po : Now wait a minute, that's a little uncalled for!
Shifu : Don't stand that close, I can smell your breath!
Po : Listen, Oogway said that I was...
[Shifu grabs his finger]
Po : The Wuxi finger hold! No, not the Wuxi finger hold!
Shifu : Oh-hoho, you know this hold.
Po : Developed by Master Wuxi in the third dynasty, yes!
Shifu : Oh, then you must know what happens when I flex my pinky...
Po : [gasps] No no no no!
Shifu : You know the hardest part of this? The hardest part... is cleaning up afterwards.
Po : Okay, okay take it easy...
Shifu : Now listen closely, panda. Oogway may have picked you, but when I'm through, I promise you, you're going to wish he hadn't! Are we clear?
Po : Oh, yeah! We're clear, we're clear, we're so clear!
Shifu : [chuckling] Good. I can't wait to get started.