The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (TV Series 2005–2015) Poster

Craig Ferguson: Himself - Host, Sid, Wavy Rancheros, Prince Charles, Michael Caine, Brian, George, Koala, Kronos, Nadine...



  • Craig Ferguson : [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th]  Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.

  • Craig Ferguson : I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

  • Craig Ferguson : Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

  • Craig Ferguson : People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

  • Craig Ferguson : [an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard]  I have a beard. Just not on my face...

  • Craig Ferguson : [Referring to Smokey the Bear]  Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

  • Craig Ferguson : Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well YOU, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

  • [signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes] 

    Craig Ferguson : I know!

  • [Discussing the snake in the Garden of Eden] 

    Craig Ferguson : You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

  • Craig Ferguson : [repeated line, at the start of the monologues]  It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.

  • [Craig is greeting the audience] 

    Craig Ferguson : Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.

  • Craig Ferguson : Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

  • Craig Ferguson : Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

  • Craig Ferguson : What we DO have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!

  • [after using a swear word in a monologue, which is censored] 

    Craig Ferguson : They know what I'm saying, why don't you JUST LET ME SAY IT?

  • Craig Ferguson : [holding up a black and white headshot of a guest]  He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.

  • Craig Ferguson : I only like sports that Bond villains played.

  • Craig Ferguson : [On '70s-era Scottish porn]  The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

  • Craig Ferguson : I KNOW that's not the right accent, but I can't DO the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

  • Craig Ferguson : I look forward to your letters

    [insert name or group] 

    Craig Ferguson : .

  • Craig Ferguson : Big props to my homie Mos Def.

  • Craig Ferguson : I can't live by your rules, man!

  • Craig Ferguson : You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."

  • Craig Ferguson : We don't hate giraffes here, we just put them in their place.

  • Craig Ferguson : He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.

  • [Craig is comparing two coffee mugs] 

    Craig Ferguson : You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!

  • Craig Ferguson : I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

  • Craig Ferguson : It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

  • Craig Ferguson : I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

  • Craig Ferguson : That's not really wrestling. That's just throwing a snake.

  • [signature repeated line, at the end of some starting jokes] 

    Craig Ferguson : You too, ladies!

  • [repeated line] 

    Craig Ferguson : [at the end of jokes]  Remind you of anyone?

  • [repeated line] 

    Craig Ferguson : Come to my house!

  • [signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes] 

    Craig Ferguson : Call me, _celebrity name_.

  • Craig Ferguson : Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

  • [Commenting on the studio audience's upbeat reaction to his downbeat material] 

    Craig Ferguson : So it's a round of applause for stabbing myself in the testicle, FAILING, and the start of World War One!

  • [Craig is doing a "live rerun" that he claims is from September 4, 2007, about two years earlier. He has just read an email in which a viewer suggested Craig join a "crazy religion" to fit in with Hollywood. Craig pulls out his rattlesnake cup] 

    Craig Ferguson : Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.

    Craig Ferguson : [laughing]  And that's all we believe in!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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