Veronica Mars (2004– )
Dick Casablancas: [after Logan and Veronica walk into his house and all of his friends yell "surprise!"] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like some reality show called "My Skank."
Logan: Goodbye, Dick.
Dick Casablancas: What?
Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica you leave. Actually you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me so just like evaporate or something, I don't know... That's kind of a general invitation. You don't like my girlfriend then... just start heading towards the rectangle with the knob.
Veronica: Look at you, all helpful.
Logan: Hey, your peskiness being unleashed on Conner brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one, annoy like the wind!
Van Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?
Logan: Anthropomorphic. All yours, big guy.
Logan: F.Y.I.? If cuddling is the best part, he didn't do it right.
Keith: So how was your date?
Veronica: Oh, you know. Lousy conversation, but the sex was fantastic!
Keith: That's not funny.
Veronica: I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was.
Veronica: I know I'm late. Sorry honey.
[gives Logan a peck on the cheek, whispers in his ear]
Veronica: So I talked to this guy on the phone, let me handle it, he's a bit prickly.
[they approach the desk]
Desk Manager: May I help you?
Veronica: You may. My fiancee and I are looking for a honeymoon suite.
Desk Manager: Oh how wonderful. These are our more affordable packages. The rooms run $350 for courtyard and $450 for full. On the weekends of course it's a two night minimum.
Veronica: Of course. Here's a little bit more what I had in mind.
[Veronica brings out a big wedding planner book and starts to flip through it as she shows off a big diamond ring]
Logan: [playing along] Wow, sugar puss, you've certainly been a busy little bee.
[Veronica and Logan share a fake laugh]
Logan: Oh, she's a keeper.
Wallace: My mom thinks I'm staying at Norman's house.
Veronica: Who's Norman?
Wallace: Norman is my imaginary, straight-A, Eagle Scout, mama's boy friend.
Veronica: He sounds boring for an imaginary friend.
Wallace: Mom seems to like him.
Cliff McCormack: [to Logan] My name is Cliff, and I'll be your, "If you cannot afford an attorney" attorney.
Logan: [standing in front of Veronica's car] Do you have any idea what your little joke cost me?
Veronica: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.
Logan: [smashes Veronica's headlights with a crowbar] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?
Veronica: Clearly your sense of humor...
Jackson Douglas: I hear you do detective stuff for people.
Veronica: I do favors for friends.
Jackson Douglas: I can pay.
Veronica: Sit down, friend.
Veronica: [voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.
Keith: How's about an early peek at one of your Christmas presents?
Veronica: What about our strict "Christmas morning only" rule?
Keith: This Christmas, we make our own rules. Follow me!
Veronica: [following Keith to her bedroom] I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room!
Veronica: If I ever die, do me a favor. Go on Oprah and tell the world that I loved kittens.
Logan: I think we have a choice. I think we could take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now, or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now.
Meg: You believe me, right?
Veronica: You are the last good person here at Neptune High. I believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.
Veronica: [surprising the Tritons with a camera] Hi, everyone! Say "repressed homosexuality"!
Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Logan: I'm not paying you to worry about my health, I'm paying you to follow leads.
Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.
Logan: This isn't a favor. It's a job you know. We're not exchanging friendship bracelets.
Veronica: I'll stop braiding.
Rebecca James: You know it sounds like you blame Veronica.
Logan: No, Veronica was my friend too. If she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So yeah I blame Veronica... and I blame myself for being stupid and I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.
Rebecca James: You know there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, then you'd have been dead too.
Logan: And what is so great about living?
Keith: I never want you to think that your mom is the villain in all of this.
Veronica: Isn't she?
Keith: No, it's not that simple...
Veronica: Yeah it is. The hero is the one that stays... and the villain is the one that splits.
Meg: All of a sudden everyone's running up to me, saying how they never believed I did those things...
Veronica: I'm glad. Funny, no one's come running up to me.
Meg: It's because people are afraid of you.
Veronica: Then something's working...
Wallace: Underneath that angry young woman show, there's a slightly less angry woman who's just dying to bake me something.
Veronica: It's all fun and games till one of you gets my foot up your ass.
Veronica: [enter Keith] And...
Keith: [happy] Who's your Daddy?
Veronica: I hate it when you say that.
Keith: This is important, you remember this, I used to be cool.
Keith: '77. Trans-Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the 8-track, foxy, stacked blond riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything. I was never cool.
Veronica: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked".
Veronica: Am I naked? Because in my nightmares I'm usually naked.
Keith: Didn't he get busted for murder?
Keith: See? He's not even a very good murderer.
Troy: I'm Troy, by the way.
Veronica: I'm Veronica.
Troy: Really? Veronica. Okay, yeah, that does make a lot more sense.
Veronica: Makes more sense how?
Troy: Ah, it's nothing. I just should never listen to those guys. I mean, really, who names their daughter Trampy McBitch?
Veronica: [voiceover discussing her date rape] You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I.
Logan: [arguing with Veronica] Well isn't it time that you found another bad guy? Look, I just don't... have time to be responsible for every little thing that goes wrong in your life!
Veronica: So, my grandma Reynolds was always saying 'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.' I wish she was still alive, because I'd really like to ask her what she suggests for when life gives you Chlamydia.
Veronica: I hope we're still friends after I taser you.
Troy: Isn't this where we parked? Tell me that this isn't where we parked. Please, someone tell me that you can see my father's car and this heart attack I'm having now is for nothing.
Logan: I don't know. Maybe it's like Brigadoon. Come back in a hundred years and it'll be right back in this spot.
Weevil: Hey, you want a sody-pop?
Veronica: Actually, I think I want something with a little more kick.
[grabs Duncan's whiskey bottle and starts chugging it]
Veronica: Hmm, iced tea. How very musical theater of you.
Mr. Tom Daniels: You know the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls. But do you know what it will get you in the real world?
Logan: [puts his hands together and looks upward] Please say high school English teacher, please say high school English teacher.
Logan: I just can't take the begging. I'll relent, just once - but no cuddling after, and I won't call you in the morning.
Cindy 'Mac' Mackenzie: Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. It kills more brain cells than crystal meth.
Logan: [to Weevil] If you're asking me to the prom again, the answer's still "no".
Mr. Tom Daniels: [walk in to find Weevil and Logan playing cards] Is this Reno or detention?
Logan: Can you believe the best of both.
Weevil: [Daniels takes away their cards] Oh, come on, man.
Logan: What the hell, we were playing a game here.
Mr. Tom Daniels: This is punishment gentlemen, not party time.
Logan: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.
Butters: Butters is the name of the weak loser suck-up on South Park. Butters implies soft and fat.
Veronica: But oh, so delicious...
Wallace: I was gonna hang out with some of the guys on the team at lunch.
Veronica: And ruin the sanctity of our lunch duo? You know that'll send me crying to the bathroom.
Veronica: You prank-called Mandy?
Lenny: What if I did?
Veronica: Well, I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition in your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone.
Lenny: Hey, everyone knows you're the biggest...
Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a Snausage in front of your nose. You use Mandy again to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life. Got it?
Trina: I've been kind of out of the loop lately, are you two...?
Logan: Stop! You shut up. You're wearing Mom's clothes, you're wearing Mom's hat.
Trina: She was your mom, my stepmom. The lady who liked to parade through the house in a string bikini whenever I had a boy over.
Logan: To be fair, when didn't you have a boy over.
Trina: Oh, you...
[she goes to pinch his cheek]
Logan: [he smacks her hand away] Dad could have used you there.
Trina: So now you're worried about Dad's welfare, isn't he the Big Bad Wolf. Cigarette burns and broken noses, oh, the stories you used to tell.
Logan: Wow, we should get together and do this more often.
Trina: Well, you're in luck, I'm headed home now. I guess some accountant finally cancelled Mom's cards.
Logan: But if you're coming home who will play "Dead Hooker Two" on "CSI" this week? How will you get your attention fix?
Trina: Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.
Veronica: [girlie voice] Finally, a deep throat to call my own.
Logan: [about Veronica's car] Nice car. That must have been a *huge* cereal box.
[Veronica is trying to get a drunk Logan's keys]
Veronica: Come on, Logan just give me your keys. Leo, can you follow us in your car?
Logan: [giggling] No. No. No. No. Let's not have a party like it's 1999.
Logan: [points to Leo] Wait, who's this dude?
Veronica: As I have told you now three times, this is the friendly officer of the law who is going to overlook your underage public drunkenness.
Keith: [to Veronica in next room] Hey! Earth to Mars!
Veronica: I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.
Logan: This is why I suggested attack dogs, but no, my mother wanted an Alpaca.
Veronica: My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.
Logan: You just wanted to say hi. I would have had my slam book out.
Veronica: I wanted to ask you about the game.
Logan: I've been meaning to ask you something. Does your super sleuth kit come with a decoder ring? Do you have a pen that writes with invisible ink? Never mind. Don't care. Mush! Mush!
Veronica: I saw Meg.
Duncan: What do you mean, you...
Veronica: Meg's pregnant.
Duncan: I know.
Veronica: You know?
Duncan: There was a letter, from her aunt. I guess Meg had asked to live up there and raise the baby.
Veronica: Oh my God, Duncan, how could you...
Duncan: Last spring, before we broke up...
Veronica: OK, stop, I was shown a diagram once, I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?
Duncan: This has nothing to do with us.
Veronica: Oh, no! Nothing. Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.
Veronica: I hate fake deer, too. Everytime I see their stupid fake deer faces I wanna grab a shotgun and go all Cheney on 'em.
Logan: FYI: if cuddling was the best part, he didn't do it right.
Logan: Do you even know how to play poker?
Veronica: No, but it must be really hard if all you guys play.
Veronica: Hi, Dad.
Veronica: Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.
Keith: [to Cliff] You know the odd thing? Those were also her very first words.
Keith: [seeing the game hens Veronica has cooked] You know, elf, we might not be the richest family in town, but we can afford normal-sized birds once a year or so.
Veronica: Game hens. They were just so cute. Plus, this way, we won't have to eat left-overs on New Year's.
Keith: That's smart thinking. Come on, what do they taste like?
Veronica: [laughing] I don't know. Dense little turkeys?
Logan: I'm no doctor but, um... I'm pretty sure penicillin will clear that problem right up.
Veronica: I can't say I was expecting you.
Logan: Yeah, I usually avoid buildings with stained glass.
Veronica: That's why you haven't come to visit.
Trina: Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago and now he's bugging me about it. I can't get him off my back.
Logan: Did you try standing up?
Lamb: Hey, what do you say we do your Miranda Rights in harmony this time? I'll take lead. You take tenor?
Logan: Is it still called déjà vu when something happens more than twice, or is that something different? I'll have to look that up
Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: I think that's 90% of life - just knowing the difference.
Wallace: I thought being a private eye was all about shooting dudes and making out with sexy widows.
Veronica: Sexy widows come later.
Veronica: [about a "spy pen"] How covert ops of you!
Lilly: [jokingly] I'm going to use it to pass secret messages to all of my lovahs.
Veronica: That's going to be a very busy little pen.
Wallace: [about a suicide] I heard she left a note on her Blackberry.
Veronica: Talk about post modern.
Duncan: Great game the other night, man. 18 points and 8 assists.
Wallace: On the streets, we call those dimes.
Veronica: Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.
Keith: You'll never guess who stopped by today.
Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I am going to be so bummed.
Logan: My day is complete. Veronica Mars has accused me of evil.
Wallace: So when Logan said "jump," did you actually say the words, "How high?" or was there just an understanding that you would achieve max verticality?
[Logan is playing solitaire]
Weevil: You know what I love, I love that I get a zero for talking. When you were the one talking to me. You get detention for dissing the teacher in front of everybody, I get detention for laughing. Let me ask you something man.
Logan: [looks upward] Is this detention or hell?
Weevil: How do you people not make yourself sick? It's like you walk on water in this school, for what? It's nothing that you do, I mean all that matters is who your parents are. And the zip code your mother shot you out in.
Logan: If I donate to the United Latino Pain-in-the-ass fund will you shut the hell up?
Weevil: You like playing with yourself?
Weevil: Or do you want to make things interesting?
Logan: What did you have in mind?
Weevil: [cut to them playing poker] You're almost as bad as actor as your father.
Logan: You know that you don't need a diploma to steal hubcaps right? I mean why do you even show up here?
Weevil: I promise my grandmother.
Weevil: I don't break my promises.
Logan: And I mean this, awwwwww.
Troy: When sexy, sassy girls can't come to a shindig of mine, it's time for all parties involved to stand up and just admit that, hey, maybe I was a little bit wrong or sorry. I mean, let bygones by bygones. Screw pride. Let's dance, baby, let's dance!
Wallace: That was beautiful, man.
Veronica: 98 out of 100 people at that party would walk over my corpse for free gum.
Logan: I love the '80s!
Leo: Heads up. Risky Business at 12 o'clock.
Logan: Come on, everyone! Let's Wang Chung tonight! What? Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Wang Chung or I'll kick your ass!
Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.
Keith: Part of me is proud... and let's just leave it at that.
Duncan: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield. I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing... I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly.
Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served...
Lilly: Yeah that, and as kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice.
Logan: There's a witness who said they saw my mom get in a white van.
Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.
Veronica: J. Geils was right. Love stinks. You can dress it up in sequins and shoulder pads, but one way or another, you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped in uncomfortable underwear.
Veronica: Did you guys know that 90 per cent of all identity theft is committed by relatives of the victim? That's an interesting fact. At least I think so.
Caitlin Ford: But you know what? Nobody cares what you think, Veronica Mars. Not any more. Not since you stabbed all of your friends in the back.
Veronica: You seem to care a bit what I think.
Wallace: Oh, you don't even want to mess with me on that today. I just about murked my mom's lazy no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.
Veronica: That guy is sleazy. So I hope murked means something bad.
Veronica: [voiceover] Let's be honest though, the only reason I was allowed past the velvet ropes was Duncan Kane.
Veronica: Well, actually, despite popular opinion you really can't beat the truth out of someone.
Veronica: Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sherriff Lamb I sold you a fake ID?
Rick: It's what they told me to say.
Veronica: Who's they?
Rick: No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me.
Veronica: I'll destroy you worse.
Gia Goodman: Wow. How mission impossible. I feel like at any moment Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.
Veronica: Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.
Stosh 'Piz' Piznarski: It's school policy that if you're dead, I get to keep your stuff... So if you're dead, just don't say anything.
Pauline Elliot: I know exactly who stole him. It was those damn PHAT kids!
Veronica: 'Cause I take it monkeys are delicious?
Veronica: Let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.
Logan: Ah, see, I'm more of a purist. You know, less blood, more emotional distress. I'd rather see him locked in a room, padded, crapping himself in the corner. You know, he's an English teacher, he'd appreciate the poetic justice.
Logan: If you really want flowers, dying seems to be the way to go.
Cliff McCormack: You crazy kids! The stuff you're into. Hula hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates... what's it gonna be next month?
Veronica: Wow. A snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller.
Veronica: My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.
Wallace Fennel: Thanks to you, I now have the reputation of being a jock-sniffer.
Veronica: [to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.
Veronica: Here it is, first day of college. What do you say, Veronica? New school, fresh start - how about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?
Logan: This is why I suggested attack dogs but no my mother wanted an alpaca.
Kendall: Do they, like, chemically castrate you boys over at that school? You don't need Sex Ed; I am Sex Ed.
Veronica: Here's a thought. If Tijuana was Logan's idea then stealing the car could've been the master plan.
Troy: It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.
Veronica: Ah. So what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?
Troy: Let's see. From eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. So after that was all donkey shows.
Veronica: Is that lasagna I smell?
Keith: Keith Mars' secret recipe.
Veronica: You double the cheese. Your secret is out... You're making salad? I know pity cooking when I see it. There must be more bad news.
Keith: Maybe we should wait 'til after dinner, huh?
Veronica: Spill it. I promise I won't let it ruin my appetite.
Veronica: I guess 'dress to impress' meant to dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll.
Veronica: Wouldn't it be nice to have glasses in the kitchen that don't have the Hamburgler on them?
Jackie: A "Whatever, bitch" and a 180 back-to-study hall, and we could've had something...
Wallace: I liked the other place you worked better.
Veronica: Think maybe that's because we had food there?
Veronica: That guy's too big, that guy's too small, and that guy's... not a guy. Just in desperate need of a stylist.
Veronica: If there's a justification for my actions right now, it's this: I have gone completely mad.
Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair - I'd own you.
Veronica: It's not often you get to see bikini babes in their natural habitat. Such gentle, yet elusive, creatures.
Veronica: So my Grandma Reynolds was always saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I wish she was still alive because I'd really like to ask what she suggests for when life gives you chlamydia.
Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can.
Wallace: You can't take the cool outta me. Look - pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice!
Wallace: Hacky-sack: the final arena of unquestioned white domination.
Wallace: My first college party: drinking piña coladas with a dude and talking about math.
Wallace: [on Veronica] Don't ask me, man. I stopped trying to figure her out day one.
Veronica: So tell me about it.
Meg: On our way back from our last away game I got this weird text message. I looked around and saw two guys on their cell phones. Caz is always flirty with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.
Veronica: Hey, Carrie, wait up!
Carrie Bishop: [sarcastically] Why? Did you want the chance to tell me how much you admired me for my brave stand?
Veronica: I want to give you a chance to recant before I prove you're lying.
Carrie Bishop: Why do you even care?
Veronica: There aren't many great teachers. Mr. Rooks is one of them.
Carrie Bishop: Yeah, if you can get past the part where he seduces his students.
Veronica: Hey, Carrie, this is me, Veronica. I know you.
Carrie Bishop: You're so naive.
Veronica: Yeah, that's me, naive.
Mandy: [about someone being mean to her] Oh, Veronica! Please, don't worry about it, it's not worth it!
Veronica: Oh, it's so worth it.
Logan: [to Connor] Does the soap box come with the SAG card?
Kendall: [to Logan] You wanna play grab-ass with cheerleaders who've just mastered missionary? See ya!
Jackie: [about Veronica] I may have to have a chat with Miss Pixie-Stick.
Wallace: I wouldn't do that. She's not somebody you wanna piss off.
Jackie: Neither am I.
Veronica: What's that?
Desmond Fellows: Did she try to draw herself?
Veronica: It's a Chinese character.
Veronica: Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.
Logan: If I donate to the Latino Pain in the Ass Fund, will you shut the hell up?
Logan: But if you're coming home, who will play Dead Hooker #2 on CSI this week?
Wallace: Why do all the hottest girls always have a daddy complex?
Wallace: It's been two weeks. That's like a decade in high school years.
Wallace: [When told not to throw Veronica a pity party] Good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.
Kendall: I have worked very hard over the years to avoid working.
Duncan: Oh dear God, may no one have just heard him say 'reign of Kane'.
Duncan: You've been listening to Radiohead, haven't you? That's it. I'm putting you on a strict Nelly diet.
Wallace: So when Logan said "jump", did you actually say the words, "How high?" or was there just an understanding that you would achieve max verticality?
Logan: Uh, I want a Rice Krispie treat.
Kendall: Go make it yourself, then, kid. Do I look like a cook?