Bad News Bears (2005) Poster

Billy Bob Thornton: Morris Buttermaker



  • Morris Buttermaker : Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?

  • Morris Buttermaker : You guys swing like Helen Keller at a Piñata party.

  • Morris Buttermaker : [watching girls play softball]  You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Is that a baggy full of bacon?

    Mike Engelberg : I'm on Atkins!

  • Morris Buttermaker : Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.

  • Morris Buttermaker : I struck out Mike Schmidt in an exhibition game. Struck his ass right out.

  • [Morris Buttermaker steps out of Liz Whitewood's bedroom in the morning] 

    Toby Whitewood : Mr. Buttermaker?

    Morris Buttermaker : What do you say, Whitewood?

    Toby Whitewood : What are doing here?

    Morris Buttermaker : Listen, kid. I... there's something... that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.

  • Liz Whitewood : I have been thinking a lot about you.

    Morris Buttermaker : I have that effect on women.

    Liz Whitewood : Really...

    Morris Buttermaker : Yeah. Well, I haven't paid for sex in years. I think a lot of it has to do with getting older and... you know, being more distinguished.

    Liz Whitewood : I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. What you hear about the bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. I have never felt like that. Until I met you.

    Morris Buttermaker : Well, thanks.

  • Woman : Sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league, and I'm afraid your boys are getting the

    [looking at Toby] 

    Woman : S-H-l-T end of the stick.

    Morris Buttermaker : [to Toby]  Yeah, I can spell "shit", alright. Does she think I'm 11?

  • Morris Buttermaker : [after the team tells him that they took a vote on not playing]  THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! It's a dictatorship and I'm Hitler! Now get your stuff and get your asses out on the field!

  • Morris Buttermaker : [reading names off roster]  Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec?

    Garo Daragebrigadian : No, Armenian.

    Morris Buttermaker : Well, they both built pyramids.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.

  • Morris Buttermaker : It's 3 o'clock. I gotta go.

    Lady With Rat Problem : What about the rats?

    Morris Buttermaker : Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.

  • [after having the kids use cans of pesticide that had a warning against carcinogen] 

    Morris Buttermaker : Hey, Hooper, what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey?

    Matthew Hooper : Mother says I have cancer of the eye.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Hey, Hooper, you wanna put that thing in fourth gear and get over here already?

  • Morris Buttermaker : You with me?

    Matthew Hooper : Like I said, we took a vote.

    Morris Buttermaker : This is not a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!

  • Morris Buttermaker : [as he's yelling at the ump]  What are you on? 'Cause I want some!

  • [to his team after losing the first game of the season] 

    Morris Buttermaker : You guys look like the last shit I took.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Nice tits, Engelberg.

  • Morris Buttermaker : [telling the kid's about the protective cups they have to wear]  Also, you'll want to write your names on them because that's how you get Crabs. And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Come on guys, remember what I told you, there's no "I" in team

    Matthew Hooper : Yea, but there's an "M" and an "E".

    Tanner Boyle : THERE SHOULD BE AN "F" AND A "U"!

  • Garo Daragebrigadian : [holding two cans of pesticide]  Hey Coach, what's carcinogen mean?

    Morris Buttermaker : Liberal propaganda. Don't worry about it. It's just bullshit.

  • Morris Buttermaker : [after hitting Ahmad with a pitch]  It's all right, kid. You had a helmet on. Imagine if you didn't. You know what I'm saying?

  • Amanda Whurlitzer : Man, you must have a big one because I don't know what else my mom saw in you.

    Morris Buttermaker : You're not supposed to be talking about my... my one. You're 12 years old. As far as you know, I'm like G.I. Joe down there, okay?

    Amanda Whurlitzer : I have the Internet, you know. I'm not stupid.

  • [after her daughter tells him she's going "out" with a boy] 

    Morris Buttermaker : You're 12. There ain't no out when you're 12.

    Amanda Whurlitzer : Calm down, "Boilermaker". It's just a show with some stupid band. I'm not a little girl anymore. I had my period, alright?

    Morris Buttermaker : Do you want me to have a stroke or something?

  • Morris Buttermaker : I've been disappointed before.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Ain't no doubt about it lady. You got a shitload of rats down there.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Listen, kid, you don't want to go to Salt Lake, trust me. They don't even like Africans up there.

    Garo Daragebrigadian : Armenian

    Morris Buttermaker : Yeah, right.

  • Morris Buttermaker : Who the hell are you? Shoeless Joe walking on the holy corn field?

  • Morris Buttermaker : [convincing the kids to wear their protective cups]  If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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