Chris Rock: Never Scared (2004 TV Special)
Chris Rock: The government doesn't give a fuck about your safety. They sell guns at Walmart, they don't give a fuck about you!
Chris Rock: White people sell guns, that's all right. Black rapper *says*, "Guns," congressional hearing! 'Oh, my God! That nigger said gun and he rhymed it with fun!'
Chris Rock: America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
Chris Rock: [on the government] They keep trying to scare us. They keep telling us to be on the lookout for Al-Qaeda. I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda! I'm from Brooklyn... I don't give a fuck about Al-Qaeda, man! Shit, motherfuck Al-Qaeda. Shit. Did Al-Qaeda blow up the building in Oklahoma? NO! Did Al-Qaeda put anthrax in your mail? NO! Did Al-Qaeda drag James Byrd onto the street till his eyeballs popped out of his fuckin' head? NO! I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda! I'm scared of Al-Cracka!
Chris Rock: Women ain't gonna let a thing like sense fuck up they argument.
Chris Rock: Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch," "Fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.
Chris Rock: If drugs were legalized, there would be a drug spot in every corner. It wouldn't be a Starbucks. It'd be Weedbucks. McDonald's? McCokeald's. Krispy Kreme? Kracky Kreme. Krispy Kreme Donuts are so good, if I told you it had crack in it, you would be like, "I knew it was something in there. These donuts are too good. Got me going there at 4 o'clock in the morning going, "Come on, man, open up. Let me have at least one donut. I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick!" That should be the new slogan. Krispy Kreme: So good, you'll suck a dick.
Chris Rock: Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job. When Bush started his job, there was a budget surplus. Now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're closing out your register and it's $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for that. Then he started a war? Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and you start a war with Banana Republic because you know they're selling better tank tops than you. So now you've got employees bleeding all over the khakis. Then you finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.
Chris Rock: People always say that we can't have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution, that happens in the church. It's sacred... no it's not! Marriage ain't sacred! Not in America! Not in the country that watches "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" or "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" or "Who Wants to Marry a Midget?" Get the fuck outta here! Gay people have a right to be miserable as everybody else! Michael Jackson got married, how fuckin' sacred is that shit?
Chris Rock: You know what's fucked up? Every year Tupac comes back from the dead, records a new album with clues in it - every record got a clue, if you listen real hard.
Chris Rock: 'A brother in red shot me dead - ' 'Right there! Track four! 'Pac is tryin' to tell us something! Listen again!'
Chris Rock: 'There was a nigga named Kevin with a Mac-eleven - ' 'Right there! 'Pac is reachin' out to us! *Listen!*'
Chris Rock: The war was weird man, because you watch TV, man, and you see these weird white guys.
[to the audience]
Chris Rock: Nobody here, you guys okay.
Chris Rock: But you see these weird white guys getting overly patriotic, and they have their fucking flag hats on and their flag drawers and their flag pick-ups.
[as one of them]
Chris Rock: I'm American man, I'm American, fuck all these fucking foreigners. I'm American, I'm American!
Chris Rock: And you like, hey, calm the fuck down! And their was a lot of accepted racism when the war started. It was accepted. "I'm American man, I'm American. Fuck all these foreigners!" And that was cool. "I'm American man, I'm American. Fuck the French!" That was cool. "I'm American man, I'm American. Fuck all these Arabs!" And that was cool. Then they went to "I'm American man, I'm American. Fuck all these illegal aliens!" Then I started listening. Cause I know niggas and Jews is next. It's like any day now. That train's never late.
Chris Rock: [singing] Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! A put a dick in her ear,dick in the ear, dick in the ear! Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! Fuck her in the eye, Fuck her in the eye! Blind the bitch, blind the bitch...
Chris Rock: The government hates rap, man. And only rappers get gun down like this. Only rappers get fucking gunned down they don't do shit about it. I'll tell you right now, if Billy Joel, Elton John and David Bowie got shot they'd have Bruce Sprigsteen's house surrounded.
Chris Rock: You can't just whip out a 40 year old titty that's your man's titty. That is your man's titty 40 year old titty your man's titty. 20 year old titty community titty. That's for all to see.
Chris Rock: The number one reason people hate America, the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church, the church of ATM, everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up... remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like you better go see a teller. You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh it's disgusting... oh man you gotta wait on that long ass line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the fucking front you fill out your form eight fifty. The fucking teller looks at it she look at you she looks at the check she don't even take the money out of the drawer she take it out of her pocket, "here you go get out of here." And here's something man drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open twenty four hours a day. Twenty four hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o'clock in the morning for something positive. Shit when you press that machine at four o'clock in the morning I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen an go "c'mon man, save your money man. Don't buy drugs buy some rims. They spinning nigger they spinning they spinning nigger they spinning." Americans worship money. Shit you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn't church would be empty.
Chris Rock: I'm fuckin done! What the fuck? Another kid? Another... That's like another dead white woman showing up at O.J.'s house, and O.J. going "I know what you're thinking..." Michael Jackson going to jail. Oh, it's going to be a sad sight when Michael Jackson's going to jail. Oh, we going to shed a tear when Michael Jackson going to jail. We're not going to be sad the day he goes in. We're gonna be sad a month later. When that perm grows out of hair. The shits all nappy and gray. His face is all fucked up because it dont got the Crayola people to fix his face nowhere. That's a fuckin sad ass sight.
Chris Rock: Janet done lost her damn mind, whipping out a titty on a Sunday afternoon. A titty on a Sunday afternoon! 40 year old titty? Your man's titty! 20 year old titty? Community titty!
Chris Rock: It's hard to defend "I've got hos in different area codes". It's hard to defend "Move bitch, get out the way"!
Chris Rock: Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "Move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!
Chris Rock: All the stuff goin' on in the news, it's just a trick to get your mind off the war. That's all it is. A trick to get your mind off the war. Okay? I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room... Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that lil' boy to Michael Jackson's house, Bush killed Lacy Peterson... Bush was fuckin' Paris Hilton in that video! All to get your mind off the war.
Chris Rock: Here you go Shaq! Go buy yourself a bouncin' car. Bling Bling!
Chris Rock: They wanna get you hooked on some legal shit! They just keep on naming symptoms until they name you that you fuckin' got. It's like: "Are you sad, are you lonely, you got athletes foot? Are you hot, are you cold, what you got? Ya want this pill huh, mothafucka? You gotta take this pill!" And they don't even tell you what the pill does, you see a lady on a horse, or a man in a tub... And they just keep namin' symptoms: "Are you depressed, are you lonely, do your teeth hurt?" What the fuck? I saw a commercial the other day that said, "Do you go to bed at night and wake up in the mo'nin?" "Oh shit they got one! I got that! I'm sick, I need that pill!"
Chris Rock: Are we so desperate for entertainment that we fall for a trickless magician? Saw a lady in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something. What's his last trick? "I'm in a box and I ain't going to eat. I'm in a box and I ain't going to eat." That ain't no trick. That's called living in the projects.
Chris Rock: [on Jermaine Jackson] What is up with Jermaine? Is it just me or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen? Just greasy motherfucker looking like he sprayed Armoral on his face! Just glistening... like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter! When Jermaine is on the TV, I got wipe the screen! "I can't see shit! Jermaine must've been on!" Even the police can't catch his ass. He just slips out! They're like "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga please!"
Chris Rock: Wealth will set us fucking free, okay? 'Cause wealth is empowering, wealth can uplift communities from poverty, okay? A white man gets wealthy, he builds Wal-Marts and makes other white people have some motherfucking money. A brother gets rich, he buys some motherfucking jewelry.
Chris Rock: [on how the government hates rap] Shit, if you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket!
Chris Rock: 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'
Chris Rock: You know 'the stripper myth.' The stripper myth is: 'I'm stripping to pay my tuition.' No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. If they've got so many strippers in college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said 'if I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.' I haven't met her yet. If I do, she's gonna get a big tip.
Chris Rock: Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just spicin' up the activities. "Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please!"
Chris Rock: Damn. It's all fucked. The world's fucked up man. Michael Jackson lost his mind. What the hell is wrong with Michael? Another kid? Another kid? I thought it was groundhog's day when I heard that shit. Another kid. Get the fuck out of here. That's how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much. We let the first kid slide. Another kid. I'm fuckin done. I'm done with Michael. I was a fan my whole life. I am fuckin' done! I'm handing in my glove. I saw Michael on 60 Minutes. Ed Bradley tried his best to make Michael look like a mammal. Someone that drink water and breathe air, right? He gave Michael the easiest question in the world, the easiest GED questions in the world, and Michael could not pass the test. He said, "Oh Michael, do you think it's proper for a 45 year old man to sleep in the bed with 13 year old boys?"
Chris Rock: "Yes".
[Ed Bradley says]
Chris Rock: "Ok, ok, oh let me rephrase that question." "Michael, would you let your children sleep in a bed with a 45 year old man that has been accused of child molestation?"
Chris Rock: "Yes". Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, "Nigga, is you crazy?" Like he wanted to take the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward and say "get the fuck off my show!"
Chris Rock: "I thought you said it was 60 Minutes!"
[Ed Bradley says]
Chris Rock: "It's 10 Minutes! Get out here, you nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Did you see Michael going to court? Motherfucker going to court 20 minutes late! What kind of black man gonna go to court 20 minutes late? This ain't Barbershop 2. This is court motherfucker. And he ain't even wearing a real suit to court. Coming in there looking like Captain Crunch. Shit, who's your lawyer, Franken Berry? You better take your black ass to Banana Republic to get you a decent suit. What is up with that boy?
Lil Jon: [From album] Hey, hey! Get lower, get lower, get lower, get lower!
Radio Announcer: [From album] You're listening to Thug Radio. WTHG, De Moines, Iowa. Where hip-hop lives.
Radio Announcer: [From album] You're listening to KROCK, rock and roll and wide rap. Where you'll hear "yes, yes, y'all", but you'll never hear "yesh, yesh, y'all!" Get ready for a 90 minute nigger-free zone.
Radio Announcer: [From album] It's time to bust a cap in that ass! WTHG, Thug Radio.
Chris Rock: [From album, Black Poet] Hey, fuck y'all! I ain't telling you motherfuckers shit! You motherfuckers can suck my dick! I don't know what the fuck you talking about! Let me get the fuck out of this motherfucker, 'cuz I got shit to do, bitch!
Chris Rock: Affirmative action was put into place to offset policies that the United States government implemented during slavery that affect us today. Now, when I talk about slavery... No, no, no. When I talk about slavery, I'm just talking about a period of time where black people had no rights. So we're talking the sixteen-hundreds to about nineteen-sixty four. You know, give or take a year depending on when your town decided to act right.
Chris Rock: A lot of shit happened during slavery that affects us EVERY day. For instance, during slavery, they used to take the biggest, strongest slaves and breed them and try their best to make big, strong superslaves, okay? That's right, that's right, there's evidence of that today, like the NFL, for instance. The NFL stands for Nigga Fucking Large! They bred the slaves and this is why black people dominate every physical activity in the United States of America, okay? We are only ten percent of the population, we're ninety percent of the final four, okay? We fucking dominate all this shit! Okay? Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track, even golf and tennis! As soon as they make a heated hockey rink, we're gonna take that shit too.
Chris Rock: God forbid some brown people got wealthy... We can't have that! Because drugs come from brown countries. We can't have no wealthy brown people! There are no wealthy black or brown people in America.