The Office (2005–2013)
Michael Scott: That's what *she* said!
Michael Scott: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott: [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.
Andy Bernard: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.
Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
Michael Scott: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Michael Scott: [to whole office] I... declare... BANKRUPTCY!
[Later, Michael is in his office cutting credit cards with scissors. Oscar comes in]
Oscar Martinez: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.
Creed Bratton: Hey, I want to set you up with my daughter
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed Bratton: I thought you were gay?
Jim Halpert: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed Bratton: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
[Jim looks at the camera]
Michael Scott: Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
Michael Scott: Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible.
[Kevin walks into office proudly wearing a toupee]
Kevin Malone: [to doc crew] Nope, it's not Ashton Kutcher! It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart.
[Toby comes back from Costa Rica and surprises a distraught Michael]
Toby Flenderson: Hi, Mich...
Michael Scott: No, God!... No, God, please, no!... No!... No!... Nooooo!
Michael Scott: I see the sales department are down there, they're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal *into* the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic.
Phyllis Lapin: Everyone in the engine room drowned.
[entire cast erupts in laughter]
[Jim and Dwight are about to drive out to a sale, Dwight sits behind Jim]
Jim Halpert: Seriously? You're gonna sit in the back?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah? That's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.
[Jim slams on the brakes, Dwight's head hits the back of Jim's headrest]
Michael Scott: I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
Robert California: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim Halpert: Oh, God, nature. Please.
Robert California: When two animals are having sex...
Stanley Hudson: Boy have you done lost your mind? Cause I'll HELP you find it!
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
[Jim and Dwight are trying to get revenge on Todd Packer]
Jim Halpert: I was thinking maybe we could jam his drawers so they only come out two inches, and then that way you could *see* everything in them but you can't get in them.
Dwight Schrute: Does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister!
Dwight Schrute: That wouldn't annoy a person at all! What do you - where do you come up with this stuff?
Jim Halpert: Okay! Alright, well, this isn't my best, but call Froggy101. Say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber and we're giving away free tickets, we give them a number to call *for* the tickets, and it's his number.
Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim Halpert: He... it's a crime-fighting beaver.
Kevin Malone: I *kinda* know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.
[makes unintentionally funny face]
Michael Scott: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis Lapin: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis Lapin: *Afghani.*
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesly: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, Canine Aids?
Michael Scott: No, *humans* with AIDS.
Creed Bratton: Who has AIDS? Wh...
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananis.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? No. No!
[Pam giggles to herself]
Michael Scott: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.