Anthony Heald: Dean Richard Van Horne
Bartleby Gaines : Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
Dean Van Horne : Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby Gaines : Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne : Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby Gaines : You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO!
Uncle Ben : [the panel has demanded to know if there is any real faculty at South Harmon] Present and accounted for!
Dean Van Horne : Oh, for God's sakes! Dr. Alexander, this man has not been a part of academia for three decades! We were on the faculty together at Harmon in our 20s, but he washed out. He's a drunk, he's a degenerate and he's looney tunes!
Sherman Schrader : HEY, ASSHOLE! You're talking about my Mom's brother!
Dean Van Horne : OH, SIT DOWN!
Sherman Schrader : [meekly] Okay.
Uncle Ben : HEY! Why don't you take your *P-h-D*, and shove it up your *A-S-S*!
[all the students cheer]
Dean Van Horne : Rejection. That's what makes a college great. The exclusivity of any university is judged primarily by the amount of students it rejects.