Lewis Black: Ben Lewis
Uncle Ben : Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas!
Bartleby Gaines : Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben : Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines : I... I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben : DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines : [quietly] Holy shit...
Jack Gaines : [after long pause] ... Which is?
Uncle Ben : ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines : I couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines : It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben : Fuckin' A!
Uncle Ben : [to Group] What is learning? It's paying attention. It's opening yourself up to this great big ball of shit that we call life, and what's the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass. Well let me tell you: my ass looks like hamburger meat, but I can still sit down.
Uncle Ben : [the panel has demanded to know if there is any real faculty at South Harmon] Present and accounted for!
Dean Van Horne : Oh, for God's sakes! Dr. Alexander, this man has not been a part of academia for three decades! We were on the faculty together at Harmon in our 20s, but he washed out. He's a drunk, he's a degenerate and he's looney tunes!
Sherman Schrader : HEY, ASSHOLE! You're talking about my Mom's brother!
Dean Van Horne : OH, SIT DOWN!
Sherman Schrader : [meekly] Okay.
Uncle Ben : HEY! Why don't you take your *P-h-D*, and shove it up your *A-S-S*!
[all the students cheer]
Uncle Ben : You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey form the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit! AHAHAHAHA!
Uncle Ben : I'm going off the grid. No more Franchises, no more botox, no more "Hey, oh, lets clone another goat," and certainly no more sexual harassment lawsuits, what's wrong with saying "Hey, nice tits." When did that go out the window?
Uncle Ben : Do me a favor, enjoy your time here. You've got four years - the best years of your life. And then, you're f***ed!