Reno 911! (2003– )
Thomas Lennon: Lieutenant Jim Dangle, Man Shot by Wiegel, RV Driver, Weird Trucker
[the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear]
Doctor : Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.
Deputy S. Jones : Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.
Deputy Travis Junior : Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle : I don't feel the need to explain myself.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Let me explain: Wiegel's fucking crazy.
Lt. Jim Dangle : I think I'm just flat out drunk.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Now that I have been fired off the Reno Sheriff's Department, I'm kind of excited. I'm gonna finish my album. I'm probably gonna attend some symposiums. I've always wanted to have some extra spare time to go shopping for antiquities and so forth. So I'm actually really looking forward to it. And if I do end up getting sent to jail, then, um... I'll probably just, y'know, kill myself or something. But, you know, so far, so good.
Deputy James Garcia : There are various telemarketing jobs that I know that I have done before that I can fall back on. And I'm looking into getting... maybe coaching little league
Lt. Jim Dangle : ...Probably go back to maitre d'ing, maybe?
Deputy Travis Junior : [the gang has changed a Ten Commandments statue to a list of "Top 10 Reasons Why It's Cool To Be A Cop"] The court's okay with this?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Court's okay with it, State Department's okay.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Not even God can mess with us now! You hear that?
Lt. Jim Dangle : [cut to the next week's morning meeting] We're being sued by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's company.
Deputy Travis Junior : Too many lawyers, man.
Lt. Jim Dangle : This is a prime example of...
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Too many lawyers and not enough chefs.
Deputy S. Jones : I've dealt with your damm advances for years now, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it, I'm straight, okay? You ever hear of sexual harassment? Ever hear of that? What do you take me for, I'm a punkass? Fuck you man, fuck you!
[He throws his wine on Dangle's shirt]
Deputy S. Jones : I can't believe this! I had shit to do today!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [crying] I'm just so lonely...
Deputy S. Jones : Save that shit, save it... a new low. A new fucking low!
Lt. Jim Dangle : I just need somebody to help me...
[Keeps on crying]
Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm going inside now... I'm sorry if I like you.
[He goes behind his moving van]
Deputy S. Jones : [pause] Hell, I'll try anything once, I guess.
Lt. Jim Dangle : You know what's flying in? Oh, a period... to your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfback just arrived.
Lt. Jim Dangle : [performing an anti-crystal meth song for a class of kids] You can monkey with a gibbon, You can fiddle with a bow / But before you snort that crystal meth, there's some things that you should know / Meth is made from antihistamines, in basement labs it's cooked / And possession is a felony, which means that you'll get booked / With a snort it zips right up your nose, and eats away your brain / It kills your sense of good and evil, and it makes you go insane / Here we go... / So don't meth with meth, Beth / Don't meth with meth, Seth / Don't meth with meth... Gwyneth / Don't meth with crystal meth!
Lt. Jim Dangle : Any questions? We do have about 45 minutes left... any requests? I know some Rush... a little bit of Floyd.
Deputy S. Jones : [to a group of hookers] Hello ladies.
Deputy James Garcia : Can we help you tonight?
[Sees Dangle dressed in drag with the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia : Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Fellas... Garcia. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm working vice tonight.
Deputy James Garcia : Do you need backup?
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no I'm deep cover. I'm getting a lot of leads.
Deputy James Garcia : Well, we could back you up.
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no, no, I'm deep cover. I'm getting hot leads.
[Walks back to the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia : Um... doesn't he have Friday off?
Deputy S. Jones : He's working vice.
Deputy James Garcia : Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
Lt. Jim Dangle : [directing traffic school] *You* are the reason why our roads are dangerous! *You* are the reason why we're sitting here today. And because of *you*, we're going to sit here for eight hours. And for this service, we are getting paid a grand total of $31.50. That's right, we'd make more money working at Arby's. So why don't we call it a day and go get some Arby's?
Lt. Jim Dangle : [directing traffic school] This is where we would normally be showing you an educational movie, "Blood On The Highway".
Deputy Travis Junior : But instead, we've got a treat in store for you.
Lt. Jim Dangle : [holding up a video tape] Instead, we're going to watch Smokey And The Bandit!
Deputy Travis Junior : And there will be a test!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [talking to Dr. Barnes] Di-did your test... can it show if an adult woman is retarded?
Reverend Gigg LeCarp : [the gang are all in a cell, and Rev LeCarp is yelling at Garcia for beating him 10 years ago] You motherfucker! You cocksucker! You kicked the shit out of me!
[Points to his false teeth]
Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Look at these teeth! Look at it! Aw, fuck you! Fucking rot in hell, cocksucker!
[He goes out of the cell and locks it]
Reverend Gigg LeCarp : What are you gonna do now, Garica, huh?
Reverend Gigg LeCarp : Payback's a bitch! You kicked the shit out of me!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [Trying to open the door] The door's locked.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : We're probably in a, in a commercial break.
Deputy Travis Junior : He's flipping us the bird outside right now.
[LeCarp does flip everyone off as he runs away]
Lt. Jim Dangle : When's the new jailer getting here?
Deputy Travis Junior : Tuesday. Three day weekend.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Aw... we had to do this on a Friday.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : I got even worse news for everyone, I have to take a Number Two.
[Everyone yells in protest]
Deputy Williams : You gonna hold it in like the rest of us!
Lt. Jim Dangle : Number One's only! Number One's only!
[someone has defecated in a children's book donation box and the deputies are cleaning the books]
Lt. Jim Dangle : This is "The Giving Tree". A wonderful book about a little boy who's friends with a tree.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : This book made me cry when I first read it. And it makes me want to cry that somebody pooped on it.
Lt. Jim Dangle : The ironic thing is that the last thing that the tree gives the boy is a nice place to sit.
Lt. Jim Dangle : We have two passes to be witnesses at an execution. I know we all want these, so we're gonna do this the way we generally handle these things and we're gonna have a scavenger hunt.
Lt. Jim Dangle : [Die hard Kenny Rogers fans Garcia and Wiegel are assigned to protect Rogers] If I gave a shit about Kenny Rogers, I would take those two off this assignment.
[after a 72-hour suicide watch for Wiegel, Wiegel tells the troops she didn't actually try and kill herself, then Junior comes back with a beer]
Deputy Travis Junior : Allrighty. A tall cold one for the tall hot one.
[notices the silence]
Deputy Travis Junior : What'd I miss?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You're mad, aren't you? Well... maybe I will fucking try and kill myself now! You're all disappointed... that I didn't try and kill myself! Well, I'll make you happy this time! I'm gonna go jump in the fucking ocean!
[Wiegel gives everyone the finger]
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, cocksuckers! Fuck you!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. I'm jumping in the ocean!
Deputy Travis Junior : What did I miss?
Deputy Clementine Johnson : She can't find her way to the ocean.
Lt. Jim Dangle : She can't find her way to her car.
[Dangle has made Jones help him move, and it turns out his house is only 50 feet away]
Lt. Jim Dangle : Here we are, casa de Dangle!
Deputy S. Jones : [pause] What the fuck?
Lt. Jim Dangle : What do you mean, what the fuck?
Deputy S. Jones : Dangle, we only moved, like, 45 feet! You could have done all of this shit yourself!
Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sure it's more like 100 feet.
Deputy S. Jones : [everyone other than Jones appears to be dead in a shootout] Guys... guys?
Kenny Rogers : [waking up in his bed] Oh! Oh God!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [waking up next to Rogers] Whoa! Are you Kenny Rogers?
Kenny Rogers : Yeah.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Are you dreaming this or am I dreaming this?
Kenny Rogers : [slaps Dangle] Did that hurt?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Not really.
Kenny Rogers : Oh God, oh God.
Deputy James Garcia : [waking up in the office] Whoa!
Deputy S. Jones : Were you having that gayass Kenny Rogers dream again?
Deputy James Garcia : What Kenny Rogers dream?
Deputy Williams : The one you have all the time!
Deputy James Garcia : I don't dream about Kenny Rogers... I don't know what the hell you're...
Deputy S. Jones : [gently] Jimmy... get some help.
Deputy S. Jones : [points to himself and Deputy Williams] Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there?
Lt. Jim Dangle : CPT
Deputy Travis Junior : CPT
Deputy S. Jones : What?
Deputy Williams : What? Excuse me? What's CPT?
Deputy Travis Junior : CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means.
Deputy Williams : What?
Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT.
Deputy S. Jones : Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time.
Deputy Travis Junior : Apology accepted, Jones.
Lt. Jim Dangle : [talking about Weigel] She's an unfortunate-looking woman.
Deputy Travis Junior : [reading a bumper sticker] UNITED WE STAND. That ain't foolin' anyone.
Lt. Jim Dangle : I think some of these people are trying too hard. I think that when the truck of anthrax comes, it's going to have UNITED WE STAND and a Bush-Cheney on the back.
Deputy Travis Junior : And a Toby Keith damned tape playing...
Lt. Jim Dangle : t'll be the Trojan Horse, but instead of a horse it'll be...
Deputy Travis Junior : A Bronco.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Right or an F150.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Do not call me Mr.Chickenhole under any circumstances!
Lt. Jim Dangle : I don't mean any disrespect, but fuck firemen!
Lt. Jim Dangle : Terry, when was the last time you used the fax machine? And, supplemental question, did you fax a picture of your wiener to the state's attorney's office?
Lt. Jim Dangle : There's basically two forms of Muslims. There's the black Muslims and the regular Muslims. Now, the difference between them is that the black Muslims want to kill all the white people and the other Muslims want to kill everybody else.
Frat Guy : [Dangle and Clemmy are at a frat party and they've been mistaken for contestants at a costume contest] We got some new contestants, here we go!
[Points to Dangle]
Frat Guy : Here's Gay Cop! Give it up for Gay Cop!
[the crowd cheers and chants "Gay Cop!" while Dangle stays perfectly still]
Frat Guy : Hold on!
[Points to Clemmie]
Frat Guy : Slut Cop, ladies and gentlemen!
[the crowd cheers and chants "Slut" and Clemmie just nods while the frat guy sends the other contestants away]
Frat Guy : Here are the contestants for the 500 dollar prize!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : I'm in, I'm in!
Lt. Jim Dangle : 500 cash?
[Clementine wins the 500 dollar prize and Dangle shoots his gun to make everyone run out]
Lt. Jim Dangle : Party's over! Gay cop says party's over!
Lt. Jim Dangle : I think you should take the fifth with the D.A. Do you know what the fifth is?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : You mean tell them that I did it?
Lt. Jim Dangle : No that's not the fifth. The fifth is your right to not say anything at all. Can you do that for me?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Why do you - why?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Because you, you - you know the little bird in your mouth who says terrible things sometimes?
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Well I have told him specifically, "You stay home with the monkey in my brain" who I asked to please never come back again; and I, this time I really yelled. I yelled so much that my neighbor came to the door and said, "Is everything ok?" and I said, "Everything is fine. I've asked the monkey in my brain to please quiet down and take the bird in my mouth with it." So this time, Jim, I'm not worried about it. Plus, I called my doctor and he said I could up my meds just for the day.
Lt. Jim Dangle : I think that's a wonderful idea.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : It's gonna dry me up like there's no tomorrow, but it's worth it for this.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle : The thing about Clemmy marrying Steed is this: people can do whatever they wanna do. You know, we don't live in communist China, you know. I'm not gonna tell her, hey, this is a bad guy with a rap sheet. This is a guy who's, you know, an attempted arsonist. A repeat B&E. You know, is it my place to say, hey, this guy was wanted on stat' a couple years back? Hey, this guy, you know, shot his cousin, you know, back in '81? No, it's not, people can do whatever they want. This isn't communist China.
Lt. Jim Dangle : What size shoe do you wear?
Frank : I wear a ten and a half, but I'll tell you what... I'm bustin' right out of it.
[Dangle ponders this in silence]
Frank : You don't think my nose is too big do you?
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no, no... It's a good size. It's very... Roman.
[Dangle looks down at Frank's crotch]
Lt. Jim Dangle : Have you been giving tug jobs in the bathroom?
Terry : No! Why would I do that?
[Putting hand to chest]
Terry : I would never do something like that. First of all, I have a girlfriend, who I love very much...
Lt. Jim Dangle : Her name is?
Terry : [pauses] Michelle.
Deputy Travis Junior : Michelle? What she look like?
Terry : She's, uh, super tall.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Uh huh.
Terry : And shes got...
Lt. Jim Dangle : How tall?
Terry : Sweet boobs.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Uh huh, I always knew you were a sweet booby man Terry.
Terry : I put my wiener on them.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Yep?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Yep.
Terry : Ya did?
Terry : Yeah its true.
Lt. Jim Dangle : This is classic fireman bullshit.