Reno 911! (2003– )
Carlos Alazraqui: Deputy James Garcia, Chief Carl, Newlywed Groom, Truck Driver
Deputy Travis Junior : I think that Craig is a good match for Wiegel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself.
Deputy Travis Junior : But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed.
Deputy James Garcia : So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun...
Deputy Travis Junior : Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band.
[after dropping off Jackie, a ditzy hooker, in somebody's front yard, telling her it was a halfway house]
Deputy James Garcia : That's no halfway house. It's halfway between the restaurant I took her to and where I live. That human piece of garbage would make Satan weep. God vomited and there was Jackie.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Now that I have been fired off the Reno Sheriff's Department, I'm kind of excited. I'm gonna finish my album. I'm probably gonna attend some symposiums. I've always wanted to have some extra spare time to go shopping for antiquities and so forth. So I'm actually really looking forward to it. And if I do end up getting sent to jail, then, um... I'll probably just, y'know, kill myself or something. But, you know, so far, so good.
Deputy James Garcia : There are various telemarketing jobs that I know that I have done before that I can fall back on. And I'm looking into getting... maybe coaching little league
Lt. Jim Dangle : ...Probably go back to maitre d'ing, maybe?
[Garcia and Johnson are ordering food in a restaurant on their date]
Deputy James Garcia : [handing the waiter a coupon] I'll have the chicken-fried steak and she'll have something of less than or equal value.
Deputy S. Jones : [to a group of hookers] Hello ladies.
Deputy James Garcia : Can we help you tonight?
[Sees Dangle dressed in drag with the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia : Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Fellas... Garcia. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm working vice tonight.
Deputy James Garcia : Do you need backup?
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no I'm deep cover. I'm getting a lot of leads.
Deputy James Garcia : Well, we could back you up.
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no, no, I'm deep cover. I'm getting hot leads.
[Walks back to the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia : Um... doesn't he have Friday off?
Deputy S. Jones : He's working vice.
Deputy James Garcia : Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
Deputy Travis Junior : To me it doesn't make sense if you gotta pray facin' a certain way... if God's everywhere shouldn't you be able to face any which way when you pray? Like is his receiver somewhere in the Middle East and he's listening to the receiver or somethin'?
Deputy James Garcia : Yeah, it's like, I have a plan with God but it's like a bad cell plan, doesn't work in certain areas.
Deputy Travis Junior : Five calls a day.
Deputy James Garcia : See I got anytime minutes with my God.
Deputy James Garcia : Are you a lesbian?
Deputy Cheresa Kimball : No!
Deputy James Garcia : If you're not a lesbian, prove it. Kiss Junior.
Deputy Cheresa Kimball : No, I'm not kissing Junior!
All : [shout] Kiss Junior! Kiss Junior!
Deputy Cheresa Kimball : No!
Deputy Trudy Wiegel : Suck his dick! Suck his dick!
[Garcia can't shoot a pinata from close range]
Deputy James Garcia : I will not let some little smiling pindejo ruin my 15 year anniversary!
[takes the pinata, puts it on the ground, and shoots it three times in the stomach]
Deputy James Garcia : Yeah! Yeah, who's laughing now, pindejo?
Deputy James Garcia : Motherfucker! Yeah! Who's smiling now? Fuck you! This is my 15 years! Mine!
[raises his arms in triumph]
Deputy James Garcia : Whoo! Whoo! Fuck yeah! Who's smiling now?... Let's have a beer!
[Jones and Dangle are playing a Halloween prank where Jones pretends to be dead. As Jones lies on a slab, all the others except for Wiegel are mourning him]
Deputy James Garcia : Jones... I'm gonna miss you Jones. I'm gonna miss you man.
[Jones jumps up and scares everyone. He and Dangle laugh while everyone else yells in surprise and anger]
Deputy James Garcia : That is not funny! That is not funny! You son of a bitch, Goddammit!
Deputy Williams : I cannot believe that you did this!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Shh, Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming!
Deputy James Garcia : [pause] Let's do it again!
Deputy James Garcia : [holding up the Star of David that's on a Jewish crackhead with a wig] Oh, look at that! The Star of Daniel!
Deputy Travis Junior : If you were on the moon, and you could fuck Wiegel and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't fuck Wiegel?
Deputy James Garcia : Hell no... hell no!
Deputy Travis Junior : What the hell kinda woman do you want then? She's got all the right parts, just the-the... the wiring's screwy, ya know. It's like the flippers work and the bumpers work, it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong.
Deputy S. Jones : [everyone other than Jones appears to be dead in a shootout] Guys... guys?
Kenny Rogers : [waking up in his bed] Oh! Oh God!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [waking up next to Rogers] Whoa! Are you Kenny Rogers?
Kenny Rogers : Yeah.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Are you dreaming this or am I dreaming this?
Kenny Rogers : [slaps Dangle] Did that hurt?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Not really.
Kenny Rogers : Oh God, oh God.
Deputy James Garcia : [waking up in the office] Whoa!
Deputy S. Jones : Were you having that gayass Kenny Rogers dream again?
Deputy James Garcia : What Kenny Rogers dream?
Deputy Williams : The one you have all the time!
Deputy James Garcia : I don't dream about Kenny Rogers... I don't know what the hell you're...
Deputy S. Jones : [gently] Jimmy... get some help.
Deputy Travis Junior : If Reverend LeCarp was busted ten years ago, you musta been working here.
Deputy James Garcia : That's correct. I was on patrol with Lieutenant Dangle at the time. He was high on PCP. He made a move for both of us, and he bought himself some stick time.
Deputy Travis Junior : What do you mean?
Deputy James Garcia : Regular police procedure had failed, so I found it necessary to get out my stick and send him a message from my lord.
Deputy Travis Junior : And where did you deliver this message to on his person?
Deputy James Garcia : That would be in the head area.
Deputy James Garcia : We got a DWG, Dead White Guy down!
Deputy James Garcia : The entire station is about to fall apart. It's like we're playing a game of twister and someone is about to spin that left foot yellow and everything is going to collapse.
Deputy Travis Junior : It's like some terrible game of twister where it's all boys and they kill you when you lose.
Deputy James Garcia : I cannot believe that we don't have nothin' in common.
Deputy James Garcia : Well, believe it because I'm smart and you're not.
Deputy Williams : You owe Rainessha an apology.
Deputy James Garcia : I hate people who talk about themselves in the third person, you're right here why do you have to talk about yourself like that? To remind yourself you're alive?