Bad Santa (2003)
Tony Cox: Marcus
[Willie has just passed out]
Gin : Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
Marcus : What do you mean, get him outta here?
Gin : Take him to the car.
Marcus : In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?
Gin : That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.
Marcus : Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
Gin : Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
Marcus : Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
Gin : What'd you call me thigh-high?
Marcus : I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
Gin : I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
Marcus : Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
Gin : You got some lip on you midget.
Marcus : Yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole!
Marcus : You're an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.
Willie : You know, I think I've turned a corner.
Marcus : Yeah? You fucking petites now?
Willie : No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Marcus : You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin' years of therapy.
Marcus : How much?
Gin : Half.
Willie : No fucking way...
Marcus : Just back off, Will, I got this. I got this! Okay, 30%. That's three of us. 30%, that's fair.
Gin : Half.
Marcus : I meant 33%.
Gin : I meant half.
Marcus : And 1/3.
Gin : Half.
Marcus : 35%.
Gin : Half.
Marcus : 40%.
Gin : Half.
Marcus : 42%?
Gin : Half.
Marcus : Um... 45%.
Gin : [Thinks for a minute] Half.
Marcus : 48%?
Gin : [In British accent] Half.
Marcus : 49%?
Gin : Half.
Marcus : It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
Willie : That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
Bob Chipeska : It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Willie : Fornicate?
Bob Chipeska : Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Willie : Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
Bob Chipeska : Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
Marcus : If we what?
Bob Chipeska : Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
Willie : Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
Bob Chipeska : What are you talking about?
Willie : I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
Bob Chipeska : Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
Willie : You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'
Marcus : Who the hell is us people?
Bob Chipeska : No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
Willie : Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.
[Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]
Willie : You're pathetic.
Gin : We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.
Marcus : No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...
Gin : This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!
Willie : Pricks fix?
Marcus : Ah, he's a fucking moron.
Willie : Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?
Marcus : Fuck you.
Willie : Negotiating?
Marcus : You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.
Willie : Yeah and I can get another midget too.
Marcus : Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?
Marcus : You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.
Marcus : You fuck her?
Willie : Jesus Christ! Is everything fuckin' sex with you?
Marcus : With me? I fuck one person! I ain't out there serial fornicatin', tryin' to float my liver, drinkin' myself silly, cuz I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
Willie : What are you, Sigmund Sawed-Off Fuckin' Freud?
Marcus : If I call you next December, IF I call you next December, you're gonna be so happy to hear from me, you're gonna do a goddamn back flip. You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn.
Marcus : [Willie, as Santa, is scratching his butt while a line of kids looks on] I don't think you should be digging in your ass.
Willie : [upon seeing the safe] Oh shit.
Marcus : What? What?
Willie : It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
Marcus : So?
Willie : Remember Andy Pitz?
Marcus : Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
Willie : No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
Marcus : Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your fucking point?
Willie : Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
Marcus : And that's a good thing? So what the fuck are you getting at?
Willie : When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
Marcus : Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those fuckin' housewives in a fucking lime green fucking velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this fucking safe? Is that what you telling me?
Willie : No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
Marcus : You could never front your own racket and do you know why, Willie? Because you got no discipline, you got zero fucking initiative. You'd fall apart without me. You're just too pathetic for words. You're a fuckin' loser and you fuckin' know it.
Marcus : [after seeing Willie dry-humping a young girl playing pinball] That's just the kind of shit that's gonna get us pinched.
Willie : She said she was 18.
Marcus : But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.
Willie : What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my fucking mom now? I don't need any god damn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you.
[Willie turns off the alarm on a stolen BMW automobile]
Marcus : What the *fuck* is this, Mr. Low Profile?
Willie : Mind your own god damn business.
[He opens the car and a pile of empty beer bottles and cans fall out, then starts the car and drives away, shattering several beer bottles]
Marcus : [shouting] Ever hear of the Open Bottle Law?
Bob Chipeska : Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume by the way.
Marcus : Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.
Bob Chipeska : You two are perfect for this job, truly. So, I don't want his unpleasentness affect your performance in any way.
Marcus : Oh no. We...
Willie : Performance?
Bob Chipeska : Yes. Your performance. You know, the...
Willie : Do you mean sexual?
[Bob looks up at Willie in confusion]
Bob Chipeska : Excuse me?
Willie : Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?
Bob Chipeska : I'm sorry, your gear?
Marcus : Willie...
Willie : My fuck stick
[Bob makes a disgusted look]
Marcus : Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
Bob Chipeska : He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children, is he?
Marcus : No! It was just a joke. An adult joke. For us, adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.
Marcus : Fuck you, Willie!
Marcus : Motherfucker! Oh you lousy, fucking motherfucker.
Willie : [to Marcus] Why don't you get going? You'll be late for your... Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild.
Marcus : Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus! Two-year-olds flip me better shit than you.
Willie : You saying something to me?
Marcus : Yeah, I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass!
Willie : [gives Marcus the finger as he walks away]
[Unrated Version and Director's Cut]
[after crushing Gin between the two cars]
Marcus : Oh, my. What a terrible accident. Mm-mm-mm...
[waiting to ambush Gin]
Marcus : There he is. That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed motherfucker.
Marcus : You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass.
Marcus : Oh, my. What a darling photo. Are you certain you only want this single? Additional photos come in handy as gifts for grandma and grandpa, or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.
[photo of Santa looking down and young girl looking away]
Milwaukee Mom with Photo : Gee, you know what? This one, I think it's more than enough. Thanks. Merry Christmas...