Shark Tale (2004)
Oscar: Hi, I'm Oscar - you might think you know me, but you have no idea! Welcome to my crib - the good life, the way the other half lives! Check it out, I got my 60-inch high-def plasma TV with six-speaker surround, CD, DVD, Playstation and an eight-track for one of those days when you're feeling just a little weeka-weeka-weeka OLD SCHOOL, ha ha ha! Coz even a superstar Mac-daddy fish like me has to have the basic necessities!
Shortie #1: Yeah, like money!
[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]
[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar]
Oscar: Don't... swallow!
Oscar: No, it's Pinocchio - of course it's me! Why did you do that?
Lenny: Oh, I'm sorry...
Oscar: No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theatre! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you ask somebody "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just fat! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!
Lenny: Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
Oscar: Oh, no no no no... Lenny, just open up, nice and slow!
Frankie: Sorry, pop. Lenny had a little accident. He was born!
Lenny: Ha ha. You're a comedy genius.
Oscar: Remember what Angie said. Remember what Angie said. What did Angie say?
Angie: [in Oscar's mind] Dreams can start out small. You just gotta... bet it all. Bet it all!
Sykes: Come on, snap your fin. Snap it. You're not snapping it.
Don Lino: I'm snapping it, I'm snapping it!
Sykes: That's okay, a lot of great whites can't do it, yo.
Don Lino: Yo?
Sykes: Yo, what's up?
Don Lino: What's up with what?
Sykes: Yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo-yo...
Don Lino: Hey, you say "Yo" one more time, and I'm gonna yo you.
Sykes: I'm sorry.
[Angie becomes unbelievably and understandably jealous after seeing Oscar and Lola kiss on television]
Angie: Just tell me, Oscar, because I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think, for one minute, that she would even be WITH you if you weren't the rich and famous Shark Slayer?
Lenny: [trying to intervene] Awww, you guys, please don't fight...
Angie: Are you that blind?
Oscar: At least she treats me like I'm somebody!
Angie: Yeah, well would she love you if you were nobody?
Oscar: NOBODY loved me when I was nobody!
Angie: I DID!
Oscar: Sykes, shut up! SHUT UP!
Sykes: Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! Shut up. Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
Oscar: [Whispers] No. I'm not here. I'm not here!
Sykes: Yeah, he's right here.
Oscar: [Sykes gives shellphone to Oscar] Hello?
Don Lino: [on phone with Oscar] Shut up? Shut up? You don't tell *me* shut up, I tell *you* shut up!
Don Lino: [hears phone dialing]
Don Lino: What?
Luca: Hi, how you doing? I'll have a large pie, everything on it, anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms...
Don Lino: Luca!
Luca: Oh... Uh, hi, Boss! What're you doing working at a pizza joint?
Don Lino: [shouts] Get off the phone!
Luca: But I'm hungry.
Don Lino: [sighs] My guys are coming for you, Sharkslayer. They're going to tear you fin from fin!
Crazy Joe: Now that you live in a big penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?
Oscar: Crazy Joe, that's a billboard.
Crazy Joe: You live in a billboard?
Crazy Joe: ...And I thought I was crazy!
[floats away on an umbrella, cackling insanely]
Oscar: Big shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, "You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?"
Angie: Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!
Oscar: Oh, right. So I say, "You see this guy?"
[points at right bicep]
Oscar: "Well, he has a brother who lives right over here."
[points at left bicep]
Oscar: "And I think it's time for a little..."
Sykes: Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!
Oscar: How do you figure that?
Sykes: Simple - the food chain!
[Pulls out chart]
Sykes: On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...
Oscar: And that's me!
Sykes: No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...
Oscar: And then me!
Sykes: I'm getting there, I'm getting there... There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.
Oscar: That's messed up.
Ernie: [pretending to be Lola, put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face] You're a nobody!
Bernie: [pretending to be Oscar, also put mustard and ketchup on a hot dog on a stick so it looks like a face] No wait! Lola! I'm not a nobody! I'm a weiner!
Don Feinberg: Any requests? How about that Titanic song?
[the sharks moan and groan their dissent]
Sykes: [about Lenny] Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer!
Don Lino: My Lenny is a killer, you hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him!
[Lenny wiggles around on a bar stool]
Shrimp: [trying to sob his way out of being eaten] Its true, its true! And the other thing is, my sister had a baby and I took it over after she passed away and the baby lost all its legs and arms and now its just a stump but I take care of it with my wife and... and its growing and its fairly happy... and its difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table but all the love that I see in that little guy's face it makes it worth it in the end. True story.
Great White #2: [looking at Lenny when they think he's a dolphin] Look, he's got dolphin muscle!
Great White #3: My Uncle Vito got whacked by one of those!
Bernie: Ernie, let me ask you a question?
Ernie: Yeah, man?
Bernie: Why is it that we can sting other people, but they have no effect on me or you?
[a tentacle of his brushes and stings Ernie, causing him to fall down screaming and twitching]
Bernie: Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie, I didn't mean it, man... Ernie, Ernie, ohh, Ernie...
[Ernie suddenly gets up laughing]
Bernie: Ernie! You made a joke! Good one, man - respect!
Ernie: Respect! Bloatfire!
[they high-five each other]
Oscar: Well, for your information, I am the Sharkslayer. That's what they're callin' me.
Lenny: Wait a minute. You mean when the...
Lenny: And then you...
Lenny: Oh, you're a liar!
Oscar: I am the Panama Canal, baby! From now one, everything flows through me!
[he picks up a fork and places it between the eyes of the hammerhead shark Giuseppe]
Giuseppe: What'd he do? What'd he do? I can't see it!
[Don Lino gets wedged in a porthole while chasing Oscar]
Don Lino: [calling after Oscar] You're gonna regret the day you became the Shark Slayer!
[the Shrimp appears in another porthole]
Shrimp: Well, well, well... look who's stuck in the porthole...
Don Lino: Huh?
Shrimp: You still hungry, big guy? Well, say hello to my little friends!
[a bunch of shrimps appear and attack Lino]
Lenny: SHHH! He could still be out there!
Lenny: The Shark Slayer...
Oscar: There's no Shark Slayer.
Lenny: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, yes there is!
Oscar: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, no there is NOT! Trust me on this one!
Oscar: Get a grip, man! This is no time to act crazy!
Oscar: You're the one acting crazy, crazy!
[Frankie starts humming the Jaws tune]
Lenny: That song gives me the creeps!
Frankie: What do ya mean? It's our theme song!
[the Jaws tune starts to play, and the opening credits roll]
Don Lino: I tell you what's what, and what?
Don Lino: What what?
Sykes: What what nothin'. You said what first.
Don Lino: I didn't say what first.
Sykes: You said "and then what?' and I said "what?'
Don Lino: No, I said "What, what?" as in "What, what?"
Sykes: ...You said what first.
Katie Current: Are they gone? Are they gone?... Are you sure?... Good morning, Southeast Reef! This is Katie Current keeping it current! I just received confirmation that the sharks are gone. I repeat, the sharks are gone.
Oscar: Any shark that comes around in Oscar town is going down! I get poetic! In the heat I get poetic!
Lola: Hello? Hello? Oscar? Listen, Baby, I know I was a bad girl, but you'd have to be crazy not to take me back!
Crazy Joe: Did someone say crazy?
Bernie: [Ernie just lost at the "Sharkslayer" videogame] You're not doing it right! I told you!
Ernie: I'm doing it!
Bernie: X, circle, X X, double left square, right trigger down, square, square.
Ernie: Oh, double square! Respect!
Lenny: [quietly] Echo. Echo.
Lenny: Now batting in for the Southside Sharks, Number 15...
[Oscar hits Lenny]
Lenny: Ow, it's not okay to hit.
Ernie: Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price...
[Sees Don Lino chasing Oscar]
Ernie: OH MY GOSH!
Bernie: Hey, you got it right.
Frankie: [dying] Lenny, is that you?
Lenny: I'm here, Frankie.
Frankie: Come closer.
Lenny: What is it, Frankie?
Frankie: I feel so cold.
Lenny: That's just because we're cold-blooded.
[Frankie slaps Lenny]
Don Lino: Hey, Luca... Get Sykes. He knows that Reef better than anybody. I want to know all about this guy. I want to know what he does. I want to know where he eats. I want to know where he sleeps. He pops a gill, I want to know about it. Who is the Shark Slayer?
Oscar: Now which one of y'all sardines called this here meeting?
Don Lino: That would be me.
[slams the door, making Sykes, Oscar and Lenny cringe a little]
Don Lino: So, this is the Shark Slayer. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I feel like we're practically family, you know? Funny, ain't it? I brought my sons into the world, full of love and care. And then you took them out. Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'm the Don, the boss of the Great White Sharks!
Luca: Hey boss, I saved you a seat!
Oscar: All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of...
Angie: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Oscar: SHARKS... ARE COMING... TO GET ME!
Angie: And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?
Oscar: Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
Lenny: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this?
Oscar: Hey, too late now, Veggie Boy, they'll be looking for you too!
Lenny: Point taken. What's the plan?
Angie: Sometimes, I wanna take your big, dumb, dummy head, and just... nyhhhh!
[makes pounding motions]
[Oscar has just prised his way out of a shark's jaw and is striking a manly pose for the crowds]
Oscar: Are you not entertained?
[the crowd cheers]
Oscar: You can't handle the truth!
[the crowd cheers]
Oscar: You had me at hello!
[the crowd cheers; Angie especially raises an eyebrow]
Angie: You don't have to live at the top of the reef to be somebody.
Angie: Okay, somebody needs to get me out of the bubble. TODAY.
Oscar: I'm not really a shark slayer... I lied.
Crazy Joe: [remorseful] And I'm not a financial advisor!
Crazy Joe: [stops closing credits] Hey! Hey, you see this guy here?
[taps crew member name]
Crazy Joe: He hardly worked on the film at all! Always on the phone - yakking, yakking, yakking!
Katie Current: The Shark Slayer has done it again, this time luring two sharks into his death trap of hygiene!
Shortie #1: You so broke your bologna has no first name.
Angie: [about Lenny] What were you THINKING, bringing him here?
Oscar: Well... I'm still working out the kinks...
Angie: Kinks? You LIED! Everybody thinks you "slayed the shark!"
Oscar: Well, who am I to tell them that they're wrong?
Oscar: How could you lie to me, Oscar? ME?
Oscar: Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY!
Oscar: I'm a nobody - I want some of that!
Angie: [mischievously] Mrs. Sanchez?
Oscar: What? Ewww, no!
Don Lino: [hugging his son] Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? I thought I'd lost you... What're you wearing, huh? What is that?
[Lenny heaves a resigned sigh and sheds his disguise. The other sharks gape at him]
Luca: Hey, boss, it's Lenny - he was wearing a disguise so we wouldn't recognise him, but he's not wearing a disguise, so we DO recognise him!
Lenny: Hi, Pop...
Don Lino: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you out of your MIND? Do you have any idea how this looks?
Giuseppe: This is the best sit-down I've ever been to!
Don Lino: What're you doing with this guy? He took out your own flesh and blood, Frankie!
Lenny: But Pop, just listen...
Don Lino: But nothing, you never take sides against the family, ever!
Oscar: Don, Lino, sir, listen, it's not his fault - this is between you and me!
Don Lino: What did I ever do to YOU? You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! I'm going to get you!
[He goes for Oscar]
[Oscar "kills" Lenny]
Lenny: Aaahhh! Curse you, Shark Slayer!
[falls into an abyss]
[a shark slowly approaches a worm, who frantically struggles to get free of his line... ]
Lenny: Hi, I'm Lenny.
[the worm faints]
Lenny: Ooh! Little buddy, did I scare you?
[while Don Lino talks to Sykes, the music record slips]
Don Lino: LUCA!
[Luca fixes the record, but accidentally sets it to play "Baby Got Back". Lino and Sykes stare at Luca, who quickly puts the record off]
Luca: Hey, boss... big butts. Ha ha.
Don Lino: Oy vey...
Oscar: Yo that was crazy, right? Who knew? I mean it's all set, we good to go, we had the money. And he trips underwater. Who in the hell-o-but trips underwater? And by the way, on what?
Oscar: My man, Sykes... Has just, begged me... Not to murderlize you all up in here, all right? Now I might listen to him... But then again I might not!
Bernie: Did you kill that shark?
Oscar: Yeah, Yeah. Exactly how it looked; that's how it is.
Lola: The only thing I like more than money is... revenge.
Oscar: He trips underwater. Now who in the halibut trips underwater? And by the way, on what?
Lenny: Here I come! Ta-da! I'm Sebastian! The whale washing dolphin!
[makes clicking noises]
Ernie: [on the phone] Syke's Whale Wash! You get a whale of a wash and the price... eh... is really, really low, considering how good the wash is.
Sykes: It's "oh my gosh!" "You get a whale of a wash, and the price, oh my gosh!"
Ernie: Got it!
[the phone rings, and Ernie answers it]
Ernie: Whale wash!
Bernie: Rhymes with gosh!
Sykes: [chasing the brothers off] Get out of here, you two! Go be useless someplace else!
Oscar: [answering the phone] Hello, who's this?
Luca: Hi, this is Luca the Octopu... never mind. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package...
[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie... ]
Luca: That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down - be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes...
[thinks this statement over]
Luca: ...the DEAD ones! Now nod your head if you understand.
[Oscar nods his head]
Luca: Now tell me if you nodded your head.
Oscar: I nodded.
[Luca hangs up]
Katie Current: You've lost everything you've lied so hard to achieve.
Oscar: And you tell Don LAME-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! Ever! Remember this name: Oscar the Sharkslayer!
Crazy Joe: [during closing credits] Man! Did you see what's playing next door? Woo-hoo! Kinky!
Giuseppe: It's a terrible thing. Everyone loved Frankie. May whoever did this die a thousand deaths. May his stinking, maggot-covered corpse rot in the fiery depths of Hell.
Don Lino: Thank you for your kind thoughts, Guiseppe.
Katie Current: Oscar, are you going to continue working at the wash?
Oscar: Please, I barely work here now.
Sykes: Ernie! Bernie! I want you to find the deepest, darkest hole in the ocean, and when you do, dig deeper and put him in it!
Don Feinberg: [singing] I could fly high as an eagle, if you are the wind beneath my wings...
Oscar: AHHH! Okay, everybody go home to your loved ones - spend the last few hours that you have with each other!
[Everyone stares at him]
Oscar: Oh, I mean... that's the way it used to be. We'd be scrambling around and stuff. But that was before Oscar came to town!
Angie: You're going way too far, Oscar!
Lenny: Actually, he hasn't gone far enough...
Oscar: Exactly!... what?
Sykes: [on the phone, while watching Oscar slay Lenny on TV] I don't think you understand how huge my client is. Turn on your TV right now!
Sykes: [still on phone and Oscar has been eaten by Lenny] Turn off the TV! Turn off your TV!
Sykes: [still on phone and Oscar escapes Lenny's mouth] Turn on your TV! What are you doing turning off your TV? Turn it back on!
Lenny: It's all my fault, kinda, not really, but still...
Don Feinberg: He come out of nowhere, this guy. Calls himself...
[turns around with a flourish]
Don Feinberg: The Shark Slayer!
Don Lino: [behind him] Ira, over here...
[Feinberg turns to face Lino]
Don Feinberg: [makes the flourish again] The Shark Slayer!
Don Lino: Where do I find him?
Don Feinberg: He lives on the South Side. That's all we could dig up.
Sykes: [on the phone] That's right, Lino! The Shark Slayer hired me as his agent! So I'm now, what I like to call, UNTOUCHABLE! And another thing - from now on you're gonna start paying ME protection!
Oscar: Sykes, the deal is off! That shark I killed was Don Lino's SON!
Sykes: I know! Ain't that great?
Oscar: Not if he finds out!
Sykes: Who's your Puff Daddy? Who takes care of you, huh?
Oscar: My dad was the greatest... but nobody loves a nobody.
Don Lino: [looking in an aquarium of piranha] How are my babies this morning? You miss me? You doing good, huh? Huh? You see, Sykes, it's a fish-eat-fish world - you either take or you get TAKEN!
[drops a morsel into the aquarium and the fish fight over it]
Oscar: What is with y'all living in a love boat? You're supposed to be the MOB, get yourselves a decent hideout!
[staging a mock fight]
Oscar: Listen to them, Lenny! They love us!
Lenny: They love YOU, they hate me!
Oscar: [clears throat] It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it and neither did Lenny.
Don Lino: Well then if... that was true, then why did you run away?
Lenny: Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
Oscar: What is your problem? So your son likes kelp. So his best friend's a fish. So he likes to dress like a dolphin, so what? Everybody loves him just the way he is. Why can't you?