Shark Tale (2004)
Will Smith: Oscar
Oscar : Hi, I'm Oscar - you might think you know me, but you have no idea! Welcome to my crib - the good life, the way the other half lives! Check it out, I got my 60-inch high-def plasma TV with six-speaker surround, CD, DVD, Playstation and an eight-track for one of those days when you're feeling just a little weeka-weeka-weeka OLD SCHOOL, ha ha ha! Coz even a superstar Mac-daddy fish like me has to have the basic necessities!
Shortie #1 : Yeah, like money!
[Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]
[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar]
Oscar : Don't... swallow!
Lenny : Oscar?
Oscar : No, it's Pinocchio - of course it's me! Why did you do that?
Lenny : Oh, I'm sorry...
Oscar : No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theatre! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you ask somebody "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just fat! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!
Lenny : Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...
Oscar : Oh, no no no no... Lenny, just open up, nice and slow!
[Angie becomes unbelievably and understandably jealous after seeing Oscar and Lola kiss on television]
Angie : Just tell me, Oscar, because I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think, for one minute, that she would even be WITH you if you weren't the rich and famous Shark Slayer?
Lenny : [trying to intervene] Awww, you guys, please don't fight...
Angie : Are you that blind?
Oscar : At least she treats me like I'm somebody!
Angie : Yeah, well would she love you if you were nobody?
Oscar : NOBODY loved me when I was nobody!
Angie : I DID!
Oscar : Sykes, shut up! SHUT UP!
Sykes : Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! Shut up. Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.
Oscar : [Whispers] No. I'm not here. I'm not here!
Sykes : Yeah, he's right here.
Oscar : [Sykes gives shellphone to Oscar] Hello?
Don Lino : [on phone with Oscar] Shut up? Shut up? You don't tell *me* shut up, I tell *you* shut up!
Don Lino : [hears phone dialing]
Don Lino : What?
Luca : Hi, how you doing? I'll have a large pie, everything on it, anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms...
Don Lino : Luca!
Luca : Oh... Uh, hi, Boss! What're you doing working at a pizza joint?
Don Lino : [shouts] Get off the phone!
Luca : But I'm hungry.
Don Lino : [sighs] My guys are coming for you, Sharkslayer. They're going to tear you fin from fin!
Oscar : Big shark comes at me. Seventy-five, hundred feet long, with razor-sharp teeth. I say to him, "You coming at me like that? You come at the O like that?"
Angie : Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!
Oscar : Oh, right. So I say, "You see this guy?"
[points at right bicep]
Oscar : "Well, he has a brother who lives right over here."
[points at left bicep]
Oscar : "And I think it's time for a little..."
Sykes : Now I have to pay Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!
Oscar : How do you figure that?
Sykes : Simple - the food chain!
[Pulls out chart]
Sykes : On top there's Don Lino, there's me, there's regular fish...
Oscar : And that's me!
Sykes : No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas...
Oscar : And then me!
Sykes : I'm getting there, I'm getting there... There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poop, and then there's you.
Oscar : That's messed up.
Lenny : SHHH! He could still be out there!
Oscar : Who?
Lenny : The Shark Slayer...
Oscar : There's no Shark Slayer.
Lenny : Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, yes there is!
Oscar : Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, no there is NOT! Trust me on this one!
Oscar : Get a grip, man! This is no time to act crazy!
Oscar : You're the one acting crazy, crazy!
Oscar : Any shark that comes around in Oscar town is going down! I get poetic! In the heat I get poetic!
Oscar : Now which one of y'all sardines called this here meeting?
Don Lino : That would be me.
[slams the door, making Sykes, Oscar and Lenny cringe a little]
Don Lino : So, this is the Shark Slayer. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I feel like we're practically family, you know? Funny, ain't it? I brought my sons into the world, full of love and care. And then you took them out. Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'm the Don, the boss of the Great White Sharks!
Luca : Hey boss, I saved you a seat!
Oscar : All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of...
Angie : Oh, yeah? What's that?
Oscar : SHARKS... ARE COMING... TO GET ME!
Angie : And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?
Oscar : Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...
Lenny : Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this?
Oscar : Hey, too late now, Veggie Boy, they'll be looking for you too!
Lenny : Point taken. What's the plan?
Angie : [about Lenny] What were you THINKING, bringing him here?
Oscar : Well... I'm still working out the kinks...
Angie : Kinks? You LIED! Everybody thinks you "slayed the shark!"
Oscar : Well, who am I to tell them that they're wrong?
Oscar : How could you lie to me, Oscar? ME?
Oscar : Don't take it personal, Angie! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY!
Don Lino : [hugging his son] Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? I thought I'd lost you... What're you wearing, huh? What is that?
[Lenny heaves a resigned sigh and sheds his disguise. The other sharks gape at him]
Luca : Hey, boss, it's Lenny - he was wearing a disguise so we wouldn't recognise him, but he's not wearing a disguise, so we DO recognise him!
Lenny : Hi, Pop...
Don Lino : Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you out of your MIND? Do you have any idea how this looks?
Giuseppe : This is the best sit-down I've ever been to!
Don Lino : What're you doing with this guy? He took out your own flesh and blood, Frankie!
Lenny : But Pop, just listen...
Don Lino : But nothing, you never take sides against the family, ever!
Oscar : Don, Lino, sir, listen, it's not his fault - this is between you and me!
Don Lino : What did I ever do to YOU? You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! I'm going to get you!
[He goes for Oscar]
Oscar : Yo that was crazy, right? Who knew? I mean it's all set, we good to go, we had the money. And he trips underwater. Who in the hell-o-but trips underwater? And by the way, on what?
Oscar : My man, Sykes... Has just, begged me... Not to murderlize you all up in here, all right? Now I might listen to him... But then again I might not!
Oscar : He trips underwater. Now who in the halibut trips underwater? And by the way, on what?
Oscar : Ernie! Bernie! My jellyfish brothers! Booyakah!
Oscar : [riding Lenny] Yippee-ki-yay...!
Oscar : Sometimes I just be coughing for nothin'!
Oscar : [answering the phone] Hello, who's this?
Luca : Hi, this is Luca the Octopu... never mind. Just listen up and follow these instructions, to the letter like. File cabinet, bottom drawer, there's a package...
[Oscar opens the package to find the necklace he gave Angie... ]
Luca : That's right, tough guy. We got your girl. Now there's gonna be a sit-down - be there if you don't wanna see her sleeping with the fishes...
[thinks this statement over]
Luca : ...the DEAD ones! Now nod your head if you understand.
[Oscar nods his head]
Luca : Now tell me if you nodded your head.
Oscar : I nodded.
[Luca hangs up]
Oscar : And you tell Don LAME-o that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark in this reef again! Ever! Remember this name: Oscar the Sharkslayer!
Oscar : Sykes! My brother from another mother!
Oscar : My dad was the greatest... but nobody loves a nobody.
Oscar : What is with y'all living in a love boat? You're supposed to be the MOB, get yourselves a decent hideout!
Oscar : [clears throat] It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it and neither did Lenny.
Don Lino : Well then if... that was true, then why did you run away?
Lenny : Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.
Oscar : What is your problem? So your son likes kelp. So his best friend's a fish. So he likes to dress like a dolphin, so what? Everybody loves him just the way he is. Why can't you?