Clone High (2002–2003)
Will Forte: Abe Lincoln
Abe : I'll sleep when I die...
Joan of Arc : You'll die if you don't sleep.
Gandhi : Abe, remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.
Abe : Why don't you just rent it?
[Gandhi runs out of the room]
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Announcer : Next time on a very special clone high, Will Abe and Joans student films reveal their true feelings for one other? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you but I haven't seen the episode yet, they were supposed to send it to me but there's this guy at work who totally hates me, if he gets me fired I'm going to kill his dog...
Abe : I'd like to introduce my film, "It Takes a Hero". Here is my soul, friends, my soul.
Girl in Stands : [to a giraffe playing football] I love you.
Bad Actor : [Giraffe wins the game and gets beamed into a spaceship] He's going. Home.
Girl in Stands : I have your baby in me, giraffe!
Girl in Stands : [unenthusiastic clapping]
Joan of Arc : [Referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?
Cleopatra : [Gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, creature trash!
Abe : Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one-leg-at-a-time.
Abe : It's just not snowflake day without a lamb taco.
Abe : Welcome back, Joan.
Gandhi : [to Joan] Hey, you got breasts.
Joan of Arc : Geez, Abe. You grew, like, a foot.
Gandhi : You grew, like, a pair of breasts.
Abe : Luckily, the extra height doesn't feel that awkward.
Abe : [Abe runs into a tree, falls down, then pops up] I'm up!
Joan of Arc : I wish I'd seen you more over the summer, but I was at camp.
Gandhi : Was it Breast Camp?
Joan of Arc : Okay, you get one more!
Joan of Arc : You know, Abe, I've been thinking. I'm going to date a lot more this year.
Abe : Uh-huh, I want to date Cleopatra. She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I admire her commitment to community service.
Joan of Arc : You don't think dating an old friend would be better? You know, maybe someone that you take for granted?
Abe : Nah, I like Cleo.
Joan of Arc : But, Abe, think about it... like, an old friend that...
Abe : [interrupting her] Nope! Cleo. Only... Cleo.
Abe : Cleo sort of wants to... but I just don't know if I'm ready.
Abe's Foster Dad : Well, foster son, over half of high school students nation-wide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But, they're not dating Cleo-friggin-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass? It's built like the Space Shuttle! Oh, this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun!... But abstinence is a good choice as well.
Abe : Look, Kennedy, we kissed. And I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it, but we're going to be together forever.