Ed Stevens: I am a lawyer, I own a bowling alley. Two separate things.
[Ed compliments Shirley's "S" on the Stuckeybowl wall]
Ed Stevens: It's very good Shirley.
Shirley Pifko: Are you coming on to me?
[Ed shows up at the high school in a suit of armor to give Carol flowers]
Warren Cheswick: This sucks! I was up all night carving Jello!
Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you yell "I love kitties" at the top of your lungs.
Ed Stevens: I LOVE KITTIES!
Judge: Mr. Stevens, where's your attorney?
Ed Stevens: Actually, Your Honor, I'm representing myself in this matter.
Judge: Haven't you heard the saying, "He who represents himself has a fool for a client?"
Ed Stevens: Yes sir, I have, and I tried my best to convince me not to hire me to represent myself, but I simply refused to listen to me.
Ed Stevens: Ten bucks if you call Reverend Carver "Padre".
Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you touch that guy's bald spot.
Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you order your meal in rhyme.
Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you go over to that guy and ask him where the lettuce is... only, you don't say lettuce.
Ed Stevens: What do I say?
Mike Burton: Letoos.
Mike Burton: Hey, ten bucks...
Ed Stevens: I'm not really in the mood.
Mike Burton: No, you're gonna like this one, it's conceptual.
Ed Stevens: ...Okay.
Mike Burton: Ten bucks... if you give me ten bucks.
Mike Burton: I'll give you six bucks to hug the giant chicken.
Ed Stevens: Six bucks? As you know the traditional wager is ten bucks.
Mike Burton: But I've only got six.
Ed Stevens: Forget it!... Wait. I'll give you ten bucks to hug the giant chicken.
Ed Stevens: [Ed telling Carol that he has chosen her over Frankie] The first time I ever laid eyes on you was ninth grade. Mr. O'Roarke's Biology class. I looked across the room and you were pouring water into a test tube. You were wearing a blue shirt with white criss-crossed strings right down the sides. And the moment I saw you... I just went...
[sharp intake of breath]
Ed Stevens: . Carol, from the day I came back here to Stuckeyville and I walked into your classroom to ask you out, and all the other times I asked you out, it seemed you just kept telling me the same thing over and over and over again. That I didn't fall in love with you, but rather some high school kid's fixated version of you. And I went and I thought about it... and I thought about it and I thought about it and I thought about it and I thought about it. And I decided... you're right. I didn't fall in love with you. I fell in love with that girl wearing that blue shirt with the white criss-crossed strings down the side that I never said a single word to in high school. So I decided to be with Frankie. So I went to look for you, I went to look for you to tell you. I looked all over. I looked at the Smiling Goat, I looked at your high school, I looked at your house, I looked all over, all over. And a funny thing happened. Everywhere I went... I saw us. Laughing, crying, arguing. And I realized, yeah, maybe I fell in love with that girl wearing the blue shirt with the white criss-crossed strings down the sides in high school. But now... now... I love you. I love you; I love every part of you. And we have to be together.
Ed Stevens: The fact of the matter is you can't live without me.
Carol Vessey: What?
Ed Stevens: That's right you could move away to Guam, Borneo, Harrisberg Pennsylvania, god knows where, the truth is you'll be making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville. You know why?
[Carol shakes her head]
Ed Stevens: Capital "E" lower case "d"!
[Ed is throwing waffles on Carol's roof after she broke up with Nick because she couldn't throw HIM a waffle]
Ed Stevens: Hi!
Carol Vessey: I don't think I can handle you being adorable right now.
Ed Stevens: Sorry, I can't turn that off.
Carol Vessey: My one chance at something vaguely resembling happiness, and you destroyed it.
Ed Stevens: What?
Carol Vessey: You ruined my wedding, and... and you made me lose Dennis.
Ed Stevens: How could I have ruined your wedding? I wasn't even there.
Carol Vessey: Of course you were there. You're always there. Because no matter what I try to do Ed Stevens is always there.
Ed Stevens: I... I don't know... I don't know what you're so upset about.
Carol Vessey: Ed, do you want to know why Dennis walked out of the wedding?
Ed Stevens: Why?
Carol Vessey: I'll tell you why. I'll... I'll tell you why! Because he thought I was looking around the church for you. He thought I was looking for Ed Stevens.
Ed Stevens: Were you?
Carol Vessey: Yeah. Yeah, I was.
Ed Stevens: Why Carol?
Carol Vessey: Because you never stop. It's been this way ever since you came back to Stuckeyville. You didn't even know me. Ed, you did not even know me, and yet you made it your life's work to just, to wear me down. It's like, it's like you crawled into my skull, and you found a nice, comfy little place to rest, and you refuse to leave. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, you just never stopped coming after me. You, you just never stopped!
Ed Stevens: You never wanted me to stop! And you wanted me to stop. It's true Carol. I did all these things. I dressed up as a knight. I sang. I danced. I threw waffles at your bedroom window. I hired a skywriter. I got up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy, and you loved it. You loved it. And you hated it. Because you didn't think you deserved it. And you know what Carol? You were right. What, what are you doing?
Carol Vessey: I don't know. I don't know.
Ed Stevens: Carol, look at me. I'm dying. I gotta get off this ride.
Warren Cheswick: What's zeroing down?
Donna Tozzi: What?
Warren Cheswick: You know instead of what's going down... What's zeroing... never mind.
[Ed show up to the prom in a light blue tux with a yellow ruffled shirt underneath]
Carol Vessey: Hello my Powder blue friend.
[In a duck suit]
Ed Stevens: Quack quack. That's all I got... beer's over there.
[Ed is preparing Thanksgiving dinner]
Mike Burton: I've got my money on grease fire.
[Ed just bought a bowling alley after Carol kissed him]
Molly Hudson: You're lucky you didn't sleep with him. He would have bought a strip mall.
Molly Hudson: I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say 'Hello' when you can say 'Hellooooooooo'?
Mike Burton: Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
Mike Burton: I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees.
Nancy Burton: Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?
Mike Burton: Medically speaking, you have a brain the size of a marble.
Mike Burton: Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary.
Ed Stevens: We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingoes engaged in a complex mating dance.
Warren Cheswick: Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can!
Mike Burton: I disagree, Dr. Jerome.
Dr. Walter Jerome: You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin!
Ed Stevens: In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders, and having lunch. This... is her story.
Ed Stevens: I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say, bombed Belgium?
Mike Burton: Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head!
Ed Stevens: You don't see that every day.
Phil Stubbs: Oh man, I am so drunk! I drank too much alcohol! You can call me Mr. McDrunko!
Ed Stevens: It says here you went to Tufts University.
Kenny Sandusky: It's in Massachusetts.
Ed Stevens: I know... you graduated with a 3.7? And then you went to nursing school. Kenny, you're a nurse?
Kenny Sandusky: Pediatric nurse.
Ed Stevens: Why do you work in a bowling alley?
Kenny Sandusky: Life is a journey.
Dr. Walter Jerome: What a marvelous piece of craftsmanship! Whoever forged this diploma must really take pride in his work. I mean, it looks just like the real thing!
Carol Vessey: I can never decide if you're totally adorable or totally creepy.
Warren Cheswick: What about that time you busted into our class wearing that fruity-ass knight suit?
Nancy Burton: I've always wondered where that phrase came from - speak of the devil.
Ed Stevens: Well, according to ancient legend, if you said the devil's name three times... he would appear.
Mike Burton: According to ancient legend? Dude, you got that from "Beetlejuice".
Ed Stevens: 'Tis a beautiful night.
Carol Vessey: 'Tis indeed.
Ed Stevens: Way to pick up on the 'tis!
[Warren is talking with friends about the possibility of asking out Jessica Martel when he bumps into his girlfriend]
Donna Tozzi: What's so exciting?
Mark Vanacore: Uh... they're making Superman into a movie.
Donna Tozzi: Didn't they already do that?
Mark Vanacore: No.
Ed Stevens: A relationship like ours can't work; things buried deep down are bound to come to the surface and destroy us. It's like building on an ancient burial ground.
Ed Stevens: I said some things I shouldn't have.
Carol Vessey: Well, sometimes that's how friends get closer.
Phil Stubbs: I never liked kids. They're like small drunk adults.
Shirley Pifko: [On her lost Mexican jumping bean] Please let me know if you see it. It looks like a regular bean, but every so often it bounces in a rather disappointing way.
Mike Burton: Can't talk. Eating fried pie. Experiencing nirvana.
Mark Vanacore: Down is up, left is right, and Logic is on a ski vacation with his buddy Reason!
Molly Hudson: Mr. Nowell, your son is a geek. He's smart and he's witty and he's sensitive. All rare and wonderful qualities to have, but when you're 15 they get you duct taped to a locker.
Eli Cartwright Goggins III: You kill me with that surprised look on your face after you leave Phil here all day by himself.
[Dr. Jerome has hired another young doctor to compete with Mike]
Mike Burton: Dr. Jerome, what's going on?
Dr. Walter Jerome: Many things, Dr. Burton, many things. The universe is expanding, the art of cinema is dying, and my daughter Melissa is marrying a Moroccan. The man wears a fez.
[Ed is talking to Carol's class about being a lawyer]
Carol Vessey: Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Stevens?
[Warren raises his hand]
Carol Vessey: Warren?
Warren Cheswick: Yeah, I was just wondering, umm... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's, like... in a bowling alley, or whatever... umm... are they ever, like, "Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is *not* in a bowling alley," or...
Ed Stevens: It happens. Sometimes.
[Ed is getting drunk with Nick, Carol's boyfriend]
Nick Stanton: A mailman? That's just... unbelievable!
Ed Stevens: Well, Nick... what can I tell you? Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.
[They both laugh. Carol smirks nervously]
Nick Stanton: I tell you... if I were you I'd just put the whole damn thing behind me. Get out there, find yourself a fine new woman.
Ed Stevens: [looks at Carol] Well, Nick... you know, as it turns out, I already have.
Nick Stanton: Then what's the problem?
Ed Stevens: She's in love with a pompous jackass.
Nick Stanton: [winces] Oh, man... I've been there! I feel for ya!
[Ed presses Carol to tell him about her boyfriend troubles]
Carol Vessey: Oh, God, this is gonna sound so stupid. All right. Nick and I were having breakfast at my house.
Ed Stevens: Came over for breakfast. Gotcha.
Carol Vessey: No, Ed. He did not come over. He was there. He slept there.
Ed Stevens: Crashed on your couch. Gotcha.
Carol Vessey: No, Ed. He slept with me.
Ed Stevens: You sleep with Nick? Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!
Nancy Burton: I hate to sound like one of those mothers, but most other kids Sarah's age are rolling over by now.
Mike Burton: Well, goodbye, Harvard.
Nancy Burton: Honey, that's not what I mean. I just, you know, want to make sure she's okay.
Mike Burton: I didn't roll over until my 23rd birthday.
Nancy Burton: [rolls eyes] Oh, my God. I'm married to the funniest man alive.
Nancy Burton: [Reverend Carver is being fired] They gave him two weeks' notice.
Ed Stevens: Who did? God?
Carol Vessey: Here we are - Chez Stevens.
Ed Stevens: I prefer Casa Del Stevens.
Carol Vessey: My mistake.