Mackenzie Astin: The Male (Billy)
The Male's Friend : You just met her last night. If you call her now, you'll scare her off.
The Male : Oh come on, man. I don't play those games.
The Male's Friend : Don't do it, man. She'll think you want her.
The Male : I do want her.
The Male's Friend : I know, but if she thinks that, she'll find somebody else.
The Male : Someone who doesn't want her?
The Male's Friend : Someone cool.
The Male : Oh, but I'm not cool.
The Male's Friend : Exactly. That's why you got to wait a few days before you call her. And when you do ask her out, act like you're doing *her* a favor, you know? Like you don't give a damn if she says yes or no 'cause you got all these other chickadees waiting for you.
The Male : And that'll impress her?
The Male's Friend : Right into the sack.
Narrator : Please do not adjust your universal translator. We are not experiencing technical difficulties. This is a human thing. It makes no sense to us either.
The Male's Friend : Heed my words, Grasshopper. Be patient. Be a champion.
The Male : You know, Jimmy, it occurs to me that I haven't seen you with a woman in about three years.
The Male's Friend : Right. That's because I always phone them the very next morning.
The Male's Mother a : She's so nice!
The Male : Yeah, yeah she is nice.
The Male's Father : She has beautiful eyes.
The Male : Thank you.
The Male's Father : So, did you fuck her?
The Male's Mother a : What the hell's the matter with you?
The Male's Father : What? What? What did I say? I asked if he fucked her.
The Male's Mother a : Of course he's fucked her! Wouldn't you fuck her? Hell, I'd fuck her and I'm not even into that!
The Male : Mom!
The Male's Mother a : What? I'm defending you! Your father's the one causing the trouble!
The Male's Father : I just wanted to know if those were real hooters or not!
The Male's Mother a : Well of course they're real! You can't buy hooters like that.
The Male : Okay, if you two continue to embarrass me, we're leaving.
The Male's Mother a : [dejected] There's just no pleasing you.
Narrator : [the female performs oral sex on the male] The female attempts to swallow the male's seed for only through the sense of taste can she know that his seed is healthy and will produce a strong child.
The Male : Oh God! Oh God!
Narrator : The male prays to his deity to make his seed strong and healthy.
The Male : She always had this mother smell. You know, chicken soup and... floor wax.
The Male : Can I get your number?
The Female : I was wondering when you were gonna ask.
Narrator : The female scratches numerical symbols onto a thin white sheath of tree bark hoping the design will please the male.
The Male : Great!
Narrator : The male is pleased with the design! To him, it is the prettiest of all pictures.
Narrator : The male has a much more arduous task. He must appear strong to the female, so strong that he doesn't care how he appears. It is this appearance he must strive for. He uses a hydrogen and oxygen mixture with some animal fat to remove the planet's nourishment from his body. He debates over removing the fur from his face with an artificial tooth of steel. He ponders this for a long time before deciding to keep the fur as a display of his masculinity... then changes his mind again. Meticulously, he combs his hair, making certain that it appears uncombed. He covers his body with the same vegetation as the female, then his upper torso with the hair of one creature, and that with the hide of another. Now, he is ready.
The Male : I shouldn't have shaved.
The Male : If you won't tell me what you do, will you at least tell me why you won't tell me?
The Female : You know, because guys find it a turn-off when girls babble on about themselves on the first date. Tell me about your accounting firm.
The Male : Oh, I can't.
The Female : Government work kinda stuff?
The Male : Girls find it a turn-off when guys babble on about themselves on the first date.
The Female : [laughs] We definitely have a problem.
The Male : You're beautiful. You're smart. You can beat the crap out of people. You're the perfect woman.