High Fidelity (2000)
Jack Black: Barry Judd
Louis : I don't have that record... I'll buy it for forty.
Rob : Sold.
Louis : Now why would you sell it to me and not to him?
Barry : Because you're not a geek, Louis.
Louis : You guys are snobs.
Dick : No, we're not.
Louis : Yeah, seriously, you're totally elitist. You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit onto people who know lesser than you.
Louis : Which is everybody...
Louis : That's so sad.
Barry : I wanna date a musician.
Rob Gordon : I wanna live with a musician. She'd write songs at home and ask me what I thought of them, and maybe even include one of our little private jokes in the liner notes.
Barry : Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.
Dick : Just in the background somewhere.
Barry : Top 5 songs about death. A Laura's Dad tribute list, okay? Okay. Leader of the Pack. The guy fuckin' beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right? Dead Man's Curve. Jan & Dean.
Dick : Do you know that right after they recorded that song Jan himself crashed his car...
Barry : It was Dean you fuckin' idiot...
Rob : It was Jan. It was a long time after the song.
Barry : Okay, whatever. Tell Laura I Love Her. That would bring the house down - Laura's Mom could sing it. You know what I'd want? One Step Beyond by Madness. And, uh, You Can't Always Get What You Want.
Dick : No. Immediate disqualification because of its involvement with The Big Chill.
Barry : Oh God. You're right!
Dick : Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot.
Barry : You bastard! That's so good - that should have been mine... The night Laura's daddy died. Sha na na na na na na na na! Brother what a night it really was. Mother what a night it really... angina's tough! Glory be!
Barry : Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?
[Rob turns off Barry's tape]
Barry : OK, buddy, uh, I was just tryin' to cheer us up so go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music, see if I care.
Rob : I don't wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry, I just want something I can ignore.
Barry : Here's the thing. I made that tape special for today. My special Monday morning for *you*... special.
Rob : Well, it's fuckin' Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!
Barry : [performing at the record release party] Rob, thank you for the enthusiastic intro; but, we're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the verge of being called Kathleen Turner Overdrive; however, this evening we will be: Barry Jive and the Uptown Five.
Barry : I've been really tryin', baby, To hold onto this feeling for so long, And if you feel like I feel, sugar, Then, c'mon, oh, c'mon, Woo! Let's get it on, Let's get it on...
Barry's Customer : Hi, do you have the song "I Just Called To Say I Love You?" It's for my daughter's birthday.
Barry : Yea we have it.
Barry's Customer : Great, Great, can I have it?
Barry : No, no, you can't.
Barry's Customer : Why not?
Barry : Well, it's sentimental tacky crap. Do we look like the kind of store that sells I Just Called to Say I Love You? Go to the mall.
Rob : I'll give you ten percent of the door if you don't play.
Barry : Rob, we're getting that anyway. No!
Rob : Twenty.
Barry : No!
Rob : Twenty percent.
Barry : Come on, Rob. We need the gig.
Rob : A hundred and ten percent! That's how much it means to me, not to hear you play.
Barry : Rob, we're called Sonic Death Monkey.
Rob : Sonic Death Monkey?
Barry : Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can't handle it - fuck them. Let 'em riot. We're Sonic-fuckin'-Death Monkey!
Barry : Oh, "The Killing Moon" EP - it's almost impossible to find - especially on CD. Yet another cool trick they played on all the dumbasses who got rid of their turntables. But, every other Echo and the Bunnymen album...
Barry's Customer : Yeah, I have all the other ones.
Barry : Oh, you do? Well, how about the Jesus and Mary Chain?
Barry's Customer : They always seemed...
Barry : They always seemed what? They always seemed really great is what they always seemed. They picked up where your precious Echo left off and you're sitting around complaining about no more Echo albums. I can't believe you don't own this fucking record.
[tosses the record to the customer and walks away]
Barry : That's insane! Jesus!
Barry : You don't have it? That is perverse! Don't tell anybody you don't own fucking "Blonde on Blonde". It's gonna be okay.
Barry : Hey, it's half past a monkey's ass, let's go.
Dick : Oh, I can't meet you guys at the club tonight.
Barry : Why?
Barry : Who are you going to see?
Dick : [grins bashfully] Nobody.
Barry : Rob! Loooky-looky! Dick, are you gettin' some?
Barry : Oh-ho-ho! Un-fucking-believable! Dick's got a hot date! How did this happen, Dick? What rational explanation can there possibly be? What's her name?
Dick : Anaugh.
Barry : Anna? Anaconda?
Dick : Anaugh Moss.
Barry : [laughing] Anna M-ha-ha-oss? Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy? And you met this bruiser where exactly? The home for the mentally challenged or the blind or the bus station?
Dick : Um, here. She asked me about the new Green Day album, and I told her...
Barry : Oh, man, finally! *Anna!* That's great, Dick! Really! Smoke that ass!
[Rob has just placed "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on a top five list]
Barry : Oh, that's not obvious enough Rob. How about the Beatles? Or fucking... fucking Beethoven? Side one, Track one of the Fifth Symphony... How can someone with no interest in music own a record store?
Barry : I never thought I'd say this, but can I go work now?
Rob : Just c'mon. What would it mean to you, that sentence - "I haven't seen Evil Dead II, yet"?
Barry : Well, to me it would mean you were a liar. You've seen it twice: once with Laura - Oops! - and once with me and Dick, remember? We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammunition offscreen in the 14th century.
Rob : [From a deleted scene] Barry, you're over 30 years old. You owe it to yourself, to your friends, to your parents, NOT to play in a band called Sonic Death Monkey!
Barry : I owe it to myself to go RIGHT to the edge, Rob! And this band does exactly that. Over the edge, in fact!
Rob : Well, you'll be going right over the fucking edge if you come anywhere near me on Friday night!
Barry : That's what we want: reaction! Hey, this was Laura's idea, not mine, buddy. And if Laura's bourgeois lawyer friends can't take it, FUCK them. Let 'em riot, we can take it! We're fuckin' Sonic Death Monkey.
Dick : She should have done it on: The Number Four With A Smile.
Barry : Wasn't her record called: Number Four With A Smile?
Dick : That's what I said.
Barry : No-no. You said: The Number Four With A Smile. There's no "the" in the front of the title of the album.
Dick : It's a reference to a Chinese meal in Toronto. So, I think that there is "the". But, I could be wrong.
Barry : You can be and you are wrong.
Louis : Rob, it's your turn.
Rob : Okay. I feel kinda basic today. Top five, side ones, track ones: Janie Jones, Clash, from The Clash; Let's Get It On, Marvin Gaye from Let's Get It On; Nivana, Smells Like Teen Spirit, off of Nevermind...
Barry : Oh, no, Rob. That's not obvious enough. Not at all. How about: Point of No Return on Point of No Return. Louis, so you can get a...
Rob : Shut up! White Light/White Heat, Velvet Underground
Louis : That would be on my list.
Barry : Though not on mine.
Rob : Massive Attack, No Protection, the song is: Radiation Ruling the Nation.
Barry : Oh, kind of a new record. Very - very nice Rob. A sly declaration of new classic status slipping into a list of old, safe ones. Very pussy!
Barry : You think it would be wiser to start a record label, like putting out a record with business cribbling nazi youth shoplifters, than with someone you know in your bitter, jealous heart is a musical visionary!
Rob : Yeah, what do your songs sound like? Sex Pistols? Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?
Barry : You know what? You wouldn't be familiar with our immediate influences.
Rob : Try me.
Barry : They're mostly German.
Rob : Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?