Mark McKinney: Simon, Don Roritor, Cabbie, Gunther, Cop #1, Nina Bedford, Melanie, Drill sergeant, White-trash woman
White Trash Man : Baby... get in the vehicle, baby!
White Trash Woman : I'm not getting in that vehicle!
White Trash Man : Baby, this is my gift to you!
White Trash Woman : What? Gift? That's not a gift, you freakin' stole this!
White Trash Man : I stole it to make it up to you, baby.
White Trash Woman : [sobbing] Well, tell me this, then - how could you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?
White Trash Man : Sure I told you about it, baby, but don't shoot the messenger!
Cop #1 : Hey, didya see that, uh, Nina Bedford show this morning?
Cop #2 : Yeah, that uh... thing about toast-fucking.
Cop #1 : ...toast-fucking?
Cop #2 : Yeah - it's the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
Cop #1 : No, the... the show this morning was about that new drug.
Cop #2 : Oh. Must have been a dream I had.
Scientist : I've invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Don : Uh, right, and what's positive about that?
Scientist : Well, it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Don : Couldn't it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?
Scientist : This is a drug... for the world... to give worms to ex-girlfriends.
Don : Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.
Scientist : You just don't get it here! Huhoooo!
Cabbie : When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."
Don Roritor : Can I get you anything else? Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?
Dr. Chris Cooper : No, thanks.
Don Roritor : Are you sure? What about cheesecake? Double-A batteries? Land in Montana?
Dr. Chris Cooper : No, thank you.
Don Roritor : I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
Cisco : Okay, I was driving around last night in my sixty-two thousand dollar car. And I was trying to think of a name for the drug, then it hit me.
Don Roritor : The name?
Cisco : No a bird, it hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.
Natalie : Not you, Cisco!
Cisco : Yeah, even me. But as soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug - Gleemonex. The slogan - Gleemonex makes it feel like it seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!
Drill sergeant : You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?
Wally : Yes, sir!
Drill sergeant : Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
Wally : No, sir!
Drill sergeant : We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!
Drill sergeant : Do you think that's funny soldier?
Wally : No, sir!
Drill sergeant : Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles, hard... muscles!
Wally : Oh, yesss, sir!
[Wally's squad is watching naked men shower]
Drill sergeant : [to Wally] You go over there and Fuck 'em. We'll stay here and Masturbate. Go, go, go!
Cabbie : Ya know, the pills are made of monkey cum.
Simon : Hey, look! I'm an elephant rider! Huh? Ya like that?
Nina Bedford : When we come back we're going to give Dr. Cooper a complete makeover.
Cabbie : So there go, you have your happy ending. Now get out! Because nowhere on your ticket does it say that you can sleep here!
Cabbie : So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.
Don Roritor : Your drug is effectively changing the world for the better. It's important that you know that. Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down... and oddly enough, so is tourism.
Don Roritor : May I have the room for a moment? My empire is CRUMBLING!
Cabbie : There's an old Romanian folksong my Grandma used to sing to me. It goes: Life is short and life is shit and soon it will be over!
Cabbie : Hey, make way for a real Human Being!
Don Roritor : [Touring the ward of comatose patients] Now, you know, Chris, it might be very easy here to take the narrow view and say, you know, "Oh my God, more coma victims, oh how terrible, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah." You know, Chris, I still think that's the narrow view.
Don Roritor : [Touring the ward of coma patients] You know, Chris, in a situation like this I think we should rely on my experience. Cause you know, Chris, when I invented Stummies...
Dr. Chris Cooper : Oh, fuck Stummies! And you too Don! You pushed, boy! You pushed! Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing! And you - you took away my lab! Cause you - sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think - you pushed, boy! You pushed! I... gotta return Rear Window to the video store... now this? Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?
Don Roritor : No! No, I-I don't think I *will* fuck Stummies.
[Don marches up to Chris and shoves his finger in Chris's face threateningly]
Dr. Chris Cooper : Get your finger out of my face, Don!
[Chris slaps Don's finger away]
Don Roritor : Don't you touch my finger, Chris.
[Don raises his finger to Chris's face again]
Dr. Chris Cooper : Then get your finger out of my face, Don!
[Chris slaps Don's finger away again]
Don Roritor : Don't you touch my finger Chris!
[Don raises his finger again]
Dr. Chris Cooper : Get your finger out of my face!
[Chris slaps away Don's finger again]
Don Roritor : Don't touch my finger!
[Don raises his finger again; the finger slapping-raising routine repeats about six more times, the two men shouting over each other, until they are embroiled in a pathetic fight that ends with Chris feebly shoving Don towards a door]
Don Roritor : You know, Chris, I had such high hopes for you. But unfortunately, you just don't get it.
[Shoves through the ward door]
Don Roritor : Ow my fucking finger!