The Nanny (1993–1999)
C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it.
C.C.: Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash?
Niles: Someplace you'll never get near.
C.C.: Oh, your mattress.
[pointing at Mr. Sheffield]
C.C.: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
Niles: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.
Max: Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?
Niles: May I speak freely, sir?
Max: Yes, of course old boy.
Niles: [with rising irritation as he speaks, making Max back up] I am so bloody sick of hearing this year after year! 'Niles, what am I to do?', 'I told her I loved her!' 'I took it back!', 'I'm afraid of commitment', 'I'm worried about the children'
Niles: [Max has fallen onto the office couch. Niles hauls him up by the lapels] For God's sake, MAKE A MOVE! DO SOMETHING! YOU PASSED ON 'CATS', DO YOU WANT TO REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TOO?
[lets him fall back onto the couch, stunned]
C.C.: [storms out and meets C.C. in the hall] What's going on in there?
Niles: Oh, I have had it! I am trying to convince him to give up on Miss Fine and move on with his life!
C.C.: [barges into the office] I AGREE WITH NILES! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JUST DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
[Niles walks away smugly]
C.C.: I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning.
Niles: Did someone put a rock on your coffin again?
[Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly]
Niles: You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.
Niles: How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.
Mr. Sheffield: Miss Fine, what are you doing here?
Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it.
Fran: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment... at all?
C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.
[C.C. sees Maxwell's new girlfriend who is just like Fran]
C.C.: Good God. It's multiplying.
C.C.: I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?
Niles: Die. Let's find out.
[after spraying Maxwell's leather couch]
Niles: I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!"
[C.C. slips off the chair]
Niles: And voila!
C.C.: Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm sad?
Fran: A fifth of scotch and a pack of batteries?
[Fran and Sylvia are held hostage by a bank robber]
Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring!
Fran: Ma, he's a thief!
Sylvia: [emphatically] Who'll be worth *millions* in a few minutes.
Max: Where the devil is C.C.?
Niles: Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted?
Niles: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit?
Theme: She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, 'til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes. What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny. So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door. She was there to sell make-up, but the father saw more. She had style! She had flair! She was there. That's how she became the Nanny! Who would have guessed that the girl we've described, was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling-watch out C.C.!-, and the kids are actually smiling-such joie de vivre!-. She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy girl from Flushing, the nanny named Fran!
Max: [Fran is standing at the door, waiting for a celebrity she isn't allowed to meet] Miss Fine!
Fran: I'm seeing the children off to school.
Max: They left an hour ago!
Fran: It's a clear day, I can see forever.
Max: Niles, we're having company!
Niles: [to Fran] Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.
Mr. Sheffield: [yells angrily] MISS FINE!
Nigel Sheffield: I hope you don't mind me telling you one more time just how, how sexy you are.
Fran: Nope, still diggin' it.
C.C.: What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.
[Talking about Fran's new apartment full of homosexual men]
Maggie: Are there a lot of cute guys at your new apartment?
Fran: Oh, yeah, they're walking right out of the closets.
Sylvia Fine: Yetta! These aren't Fran's children! Fran doen't have any children! She's not married, SHE'S ALL ALONE!
Fran: Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!
Fran: As appealing as Hepatitis sounds, yellow's just not my color.
[Fran has accidentally run over a rabbit]
Max: It's not like rabbits are endangered species. All they do is mate.
Fran: Well, aint that nice. I killed an animal with a better social life than me.
C.C.: I'll never get to the airport on time.
Niles: That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane.
Max: Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future?
Niles: Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me.
Max: [drinking a hangover-remedy] Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive.
Niles: [C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her] Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.
C.C.: I could kill you... I could throw you down and rip out your heart!
Fran: [to Maxwell] She doesn't have a key to the house, does she?
C.C.: Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous.
[C.C. kisses Niles]
Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me?
Niles: You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them?
Max: If I found a woman who loved my children, could make me laugh and that I found attractive, well, I'd never let her go.
[puts his arm around Fran's shoulders and gets his watch caught on her]
Fran: Oh, we're stuck on each other.
Max: [Brighton has asked to go to Atlantic City, and has pitted Max and Fran against each other by saying that Max doesn't respect her opinion] I am his father!
Fran: Well, what am I?
Max: You're the nanny!
Fran: [gasps] You called me the "N" word! Did you head that, Niles?
Niles: Do you get the house in the settlement?
Niles: [pops his head out from behind a wall] Every word!
C.C.: Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake.
Niles: How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself.
C.C.: This isn't a typical night.
Niles: Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters".
C.C.: Let go of me you old...
Niles: All right but I just...
[C.C. walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room - we here a blood curdling scream]
Niles: ... waxed the floor.
Sylvia Fine: I'm having palpitations! QUICK! GET ME MY MEDICINE!
Fran: [running to the fridge and returning with chocolate syrup]
Max: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Niles: [deadpan] Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker.
[after Fran's fiancé kisses C.C]
Niles: Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen?
[Fran and C.C. are trapped in the Sheffield's wine cellar and C.C. is forced to have Fran do her hair and nails]
Fran: [doing a harassed-looking C.C.'s nails] Mint Chocolate Chip, Jamocha Almond Fudge, Pralines and Cream... That's it. That's 30.
Fran: Oh my God, they lied! 30's a lot. Was 31 so catchy? Wait a minute. I forgot the Sherbert. All right. I'll start again. Vanilla...
C.C.: STOP IT!
Fran: You shouldn't leave the house with things unresolved. That's why men die young.
Max: That's not why. Because they want to.
C.C.: Why don't you let me carry the tray up to Maxwell? No, I'll do it.
Niles: Fifty dollars. Why don't you just tell me how old you are then I'll let you do it.
Niles: Now was that so hard to admit?
Fran: [referring to C.C] So, Niles... did you let "it" out?
Niles: Yes, and the villagers were not happy.
Sylvia Fine: Major Nelson and Jeannie tied the knot.
Fran: If she had any commitment to that relationship, she would have given up her apartment.
Sylvia Fine: It was a bottle, they kept it on the mantle!
Niles: Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm. Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the apocalypse?
Fran: What's that?
Niles: It's a script for Mr. Sheffield.
Fran: You didn't write another Seinfeld episode did you? Sweetie... it's over.
[last line of the last episode/series]
Yetta: This place is gorgeous. Much better than that place you had in New York.
Philippe: Hello, Caca.
Philippe: Is this not what C.C. stands for? That is what the butler told me.
Niles: Good things come to those who wait, unless they wait too long and they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.
Brighton Sheffield: Yeah, it just so happens that your voice carries.
Fran: To your bedroom?
Brighton Sheffield: To Michigan.
Max: Well, I've made up my mind. I can't risk Margaret spending her entire vacation kissing that boy... I'm sending her abroad.
Fran: A broad? Well, if you wanna swing her that way...
C.C.: Well, if Doug is coming over tonight, I better go change!
Niles: [after C.C. leaves] And I thought she had to wait for a full moon...
Fran: I'll fight for all those small, defenseless creatures out there.
Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit B.
Fran: [about Max's childhood nanny, who is visiting] Meanwhile, she's scaring Gracie to death with those stories about that fat bear who can't even get through the door every time he has a decent meal.
Max: Are you talking about Winnie The Pooh?
Fran: Yeah, him. And who in his right mind would call a boy Winnie, let alone The Pooh?
Max: Most children love those stories!
Fran: Far be it for me to poo-poo the Pooh.
Maggie: Well, Daddy can't you see that Michael is my Cats? Please just don't let me pass on this one.
Max: [Niles has brought a little tree that Fran had and is going to put in onto the terrace of Max's office where C.C. is smoking] Niles, get that *hideous* thing off the terrace.
Niles: [turns to C.C] Mr. Sheffield wants you off the terrace.
Niles: [about a tupperware item] You put old bags in it. I'll give it to Mrs. Babcock, she's always wanted an office of her own.
Sylvia Fine: Trust me, there is only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes - Colonel Sanders.
[after accidentally baby-napping a child]
Fran: I wonder if I'll ever really be a mother?
Max: Well, there's always the subway.
Fran: No way. Forget it. The next time I bring home a baby it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.
Fran: You're pretty cocky for a tall, handsome, rich charming guy.
C.C.: Maxwell, I'm an important part of this team.
Niles: That's true sir, that couch would be floating all around if she weren't here to weigh it down.
C.C.: [Max is hiring a female to promote him] Maxwell, I want a man!
Niles: The last one deflated when she nibbled at his ear.
Sylvia Fine: [Sylvia takes a picture of Niles cleaning the windows] Sorry, my girl doesn't do windows. I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.
Niles: [as if suggesting they make love] Follow me into the kitchen... I'll clean behind the refrigerator.
Fran: [looking for something in her purse] What's this? Oh, it's my shrink's bill... *boy* am I unhappy!
Sylvia Fine: Are you looking for something?
Sylvia Fine: If she's three foot two and not a Jew, she's in there.
[points to bathroom]
Fran: [about Max] What are you listening to him for? He passed on Cats!
Max: It was about a bunch of pussy cats singing in a garbage can. What would you do?
Fran: Two words, Mr. Sheffield: still running.
[the family is opening wedding presents]
Fran: Box from Tiffany's...
[Fran opens the box and pulls out a blender]
Fran: Blender from Costco...
Max: [after seeing Fran's cousin Ira's impersonation of Cher] Where was the last place HE passed for Cher, SEA WORLD?
Fran: And remember always follow your heart.
Maggie: Well, my heart says I should go back to Sean.
Fran: That's not your heart talking.
Fran: We begged my mother for a Christmas tree, she called it a Chanukah Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah set the flocking on fire, and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.
Niles: Finger sandwich?
Frank Bakley, Jr.: Ewww. What idiot made these?
Niles: I did, and they're made from real little boys.
[trying to insult Mr. Sheffield]
Philippe: Your queen looks like a man.
Fran: Honey, as long as *I* am living under *your* roof you will do as I say.
Max: [to Fran] Have you seen Gracie's Halloween costume? She looks a bit more like a trick than a treat.
Max: [Niles is making Max look bad] Niles, why don't you close the window before your Christmas bonus flies out the window?
Brighton Sheffield: Oh, so you're pretending to be an actor?
Fran: No, you're thinking of Steven Seagal.
Fran: ["analyzing" Corbin Bernsen, the former star of L.A. Law] Well... I can tell you're not a lawyer...
Glen Mitchell: Why can't I be a lawyer?
Fran: Well, not in New York... maybe L.A.
Niles: [to C.C] Why can't you just be happy for me? I'm not used to being called Sir. You're used to it.
Niles: Here you are, Sylvia. Pancakes, wafles and maple syrup.
Sylvia Fine: [about the syrup] Don't you have a light one?
Niles: Sylvia, the barn door is open and the horses have left the building.
C.C.: [C.C. is talking on the phone with her friend in Max's office] I want to clean my carpets in my apartment, but I'm having so much trouble finding a kennel.
Niles: Oh, treat yourself to a hotel.
Max: [to Fran, who has her hair straight instead of teased out] You know, you're looking quite lovely this evening.
Fran: You mean with the hair?
Max: Oh, I like it. You can actually see over your head.