The Kids in the Hall (1988–1994)
Bruce McCulloch: Various Characters, Various, The Beaver
Mr. B : An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer."
Construction Worker : The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one.
Mark : [Mark and Scott dressed as cowboys walk into a bar] Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Scott : Yeeeeeeeeep.
[Scott reaches into his vest and pulls out a wad of cash]
Mark : Ladies and gentlemen!
Mark : He's gonna give away a thousand dollars! Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars?
[shuffling toward people and pointing at them]
Mark : Could be you or it could be you 'cause... Someone's gonna get a thousand dollars! Who d'ya think's gonna get a thousand dollars? He's gonna give away a thousand dollars!
Scott : [Scott moves towards Bruce, who is seated at a table and points at him] Yep!
Mark : [singing once again] You're gonna get a thousand dollars!
[Scott gives Bruce the cash]
Mark : He just gave you a thousand dollars! Count it up!
Bruce : Thanks!
Mark : Yep. Yep. Yep.
Scott : [Scott reaches into his vest once again, but this time pulls out his fist, clenched]
Mark : [singing] Someone's gonna get a punch in the head! Who d'ya thinks gonna get a punch in the head?
Bruce : I look at Ms. Manythroats and it's like, "Who would fuck you?" She should be bisexual. It would increase her chances.
Bruce : I don't think we look alike. For one thing, I'm not a big fat bald guy.
Big fat bald guy : Well, not yet.
Bruce : The moon is bright... over Lebanon tonight, the Lebanese moon looks down, shim sham shacam, cattle explode, cow shrapnel drips off tree into mother's tear for little boy who goes on into battle and comes back dead, or worse, a *man*.
Fran : Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning.
Gordon : It's that salty bloody ham!
Fran : The ham we had at dinner?
Gordon : Yes! Was there another ham?
Fran : You didn't like it...
Gordon : No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks.
Fran : Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down.
Gordon : I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine!
Fran : I don't know what could have gone wrong...
Gordon : Well, SOMETHING did!
Fran : I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham.
Gordon : Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?
Gavin : My mom says that if there's a depression, that I'll have to enter a dance marathon.
Cool Substitute Teacher : But I'm just a man, I'm human!
Class : Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : I've smoked pot!
Class : Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : I've tried Heroine!
Class : [uncertain] Yeah!
Cool Substitute Teacher : A few times, yes, and you know, what I'm really, really trying to do now... is cut down on the number of times I... try heroine... in a day! You know what? I'm going to get under my desk for a while. You all listen to this Rock Music. Did you know Rock Lyrics are just poetry set to Music? It's valid! Cathy, I want to talk to you for a moment, it may be related to your grades...
Cathy : Well, if it's about my grades...
Kevin : This is bullshit, Theo!
Cool Substitute Teacher : Yeah, shut up.
Wife : Do you like the Ham?
Bruce : Yeah, Mom, it's fucking good!
Wife : Oh, well you know what I do to make it so fu-fu-fu. He said the F-word! Six pounds four ounces, now he says the F-word at the Dinner Table!
Husband : Watch it, son!
Bruce : Why? I can use my own words, think my own thoughts! You want this to be like... Tianneman Square?
Husband : I see what this is about. You think you can take on your old man, huh?
Bruce : Oh come on! Look at it, it's juicy, it's flavourful, it's the God's honest truth that's effing good ham!
Defendant : The jury! It's made up entirely of my ex-girlfriends.
Lawyer : Oh God.
Defendant : I mean, when they were selected, didn't you think to ask them "Were you ever fucked over by the Accused"?
Lawyer : No, how could I know?
Judge : All rise. The Accused is charged with being an asshole on more than one occasion. How do you plead?
Lawyer : Guilty, your Honour.
Defendant : But with various good excuses. No, really!
Bruce : [haircut small talk] He had a big Bullum head!
Bruce : He did have a Bullum head! I seen it!
Bruce : You're becoming a Man, my Son. So, in accordance with McCulloch Family Tradition, I've brought you out to the Ol' Rock where you're gonna watch your Old Man get pathetically drunk.
Bruce : [Downs a bottle of Southern Comfort]
Bruce : Happy Birthday, Son! Broke my hand on a Pineapple! Didn't even care. See, ten dollars is ten dollars. And twenty dollars is twenty dollars. But thirty dollars? If you're going to do Acid, wait an Hour before you go swimming. MR BUS DRIVER! Everybody's got a Job to Do, Everybody's gotta move and groove. I want to peruse your report card! Arrroooo! This here is where my Daddy puked.
Bruce : [Dancing]
Bruce : A hoopa-hoopa-hoopa but never a Chicka-chicka-chicka. And so they packed up the truck... and moved to Beverley. Okay, leave me now!
Shona : Better yet let us kill him!
Ozone : Yes! NO! Let us not forget why we are here! To free George the Baboon from the tyranny of the Shampoo and Lipstick Overlords! Alive! Ho!
[They run in and out]
Shona : Did you see the size of his ass? A Baboon is like all ass!
Ozone : Can you not see his striped ass as the American Flag?
Shona : Then I would want to burn it!
Ozone : Then I shall go alone, as I did unto SeaWorld.
[Runs in and out]
Ozone : He was playing with himself.
Shona : Isn't that just like a man! Look, that cat is overfed! Let us free it and put it on a diet.
Gavin : If you lose a finger on your Hand-Shaking Hand, you can never meet someone new!
Gavin : My Mom died, so my Dad bought me a hamster, and I called it "Mom", and it died...
Cathy : No! He's not Gay! He explained it to me: he has sex with men from time to time to remind himself why he doesn't like it.