Three Men and a Baby (1987) Poster

Steve Guttenberg: Michael



  • Peter Mitchell : [reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way]  The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...

    Michael Kellam : What are you reading her?

    Peter Mitchell : [responding to Michael in same tone]  It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?

  • Michael Kellam : How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?

    Peter : Beats the shit out of me.

  • Michael Kellam : She did a doodle; your turn to change her.

    Peter : I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.

  • Peter Mitchell : Where'd you put the baby powder?

    Michael Kellam : Down the hall, I'll get it.

    Peter Mitchell : What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.

    Michael Kellam : It's just down the hall!

    Peter Mitchell : Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?

    Michael Kellam : Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!

    [Slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere] 

    Peter Mitchell : You're going to clean that up.

  • Michael Kellam : [singing]  Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye.

  • Peter Mitchell : Look at this.

    [Peter hands Jack a news clipping] 

    Peter Mitchell : This is your friend Paul Milner! 'Don't let this happen to you!'

    Jack Holden : 'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging'... they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that!

    Peter Mitchell : I've had enough of this doo-doo!

    Michael Kellam : I want to FINISH this, okay?

  • [Michael and Peter are changing Mary's diaper] 

    Michael Kellam : Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?

  • Jack Holden : Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me! I'm bigger... and I've got more hair!

    Peter : [reads note that came with Mary]  "Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now..."

    Jack Holden : [snatches note from Peter and reads]  S-S-Sylvia?... Stratford! A year and a half... a year and a half ago. I did 'Taming of the Shrew'; she was the Shrew! I did some of my best work in that one... got great reviews!

    Michael Kellam : Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself! I wanna kill you...

    Peter : [holds Michael back]  Don't worry, Michael, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary.

    Jack Holden : But... uh... what am I supposed to do with it?

    Peter : We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn.

    Jack Holden : Okay... okay... I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard.

    Michael Kellam : Goodnight, Jack.

    Jack Holden : [as Mary begins to cry]  Wait, what's wrong with her?

    Peter , Michael Kellam : [walking back to bed]  Goodnight, Jack.

  • Peter : All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.

    Michael Kellam : I don't know what babies eat.

    Peter : Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?

    Michael Kellam : I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!

  • Michael Kellam : Whoa, these diapers are way too big!

    Peter : They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.

  • Michael Kellam : There's been shit all over the place!

    Vince : You mean the package burst?

    Michael Kellam : [Thinking they meant the baby]  Well yes, I guess you could say that.

    Vince : Well did you put the shit back?

    Michael Kellam : No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?

  • Peter Mitchell : How old is the baby?

    Michael Kellam : I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?

  • Peter : Feel her teeth.

    Michael Kellam : What?

    Peter : The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.

    Michael Kellam : I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!

    [Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth] 

    Peter : I can't feel anything.

    Michael Kellam : What does that mean?

    Peter : It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!

    Michael Kellam : Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?

  • Mrs. Hathaway : I love kids. Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.

    Michael Kellam : Some guys have all the luck.

  • Peter : Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's... It's sticky and... We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off.

    Michael Kellam : How about after shave?

  • Sgt. Malkowitz : Feels as though she's ready for a change.

    Michael Kellam : I'll do it.

    Peter Mitchell : Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop.

  • Michael Kellam : Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying! And she did a doodle.

    Peter Mitchell : A doodle? What's that...? Oh, forget it. I don't want to know.

    Michael Kellam : Well you're gonna know, Pal, 'cause she did it.

  • Michael Kellam : [Finding a baby on their doorstep]  That's a baby.

    Peter Mitchell : I know it's a baby. What is it doing there?

    Michael Kellam : It's sleeping.

  • Michael Kellam : See this? This is a hairy chest. You want one of these?

  • Michael Kellam : [to the baby as she's crying]  You could drive a man to drink!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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