Three Men and a Baby (1987)
Steve Guttenberg: Michael
Peter Mitchell : [reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way] The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...
Michael Kellam : What are you reading her?
Peter Mitchell : [responding to Michael in same tone] It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?
Peter Mitchell : Where'd you put the baby powder?
Michael Kellam : Down the hall, I'll get it.
Peter Mitchell : What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.
Michael Kellam : It's just down the hall!
Peter Mitchell : Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?
Michael Kellam : Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!
[Slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere]
Peter Mitchell : You're going to clean that up.
Michael Kellam : [singing] Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye.
Peter Mitchell : Look at this.
[Peter hands Jack a news clipping]
Peter Mitchell : This is your friend Paul Milner! 'Don't let this happen to you!'
Jack Holden : 'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging'... they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that!
Peter Mitchell : I've had enough of this doo-doo!
Michael Kellam : I want to FINISH this, okay?
[Michael and Peter are changing Mary's diaper]
Michael Kellam : Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?
Jack Holden : Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me! I'm bigger... and I've got more hair!
Peter : [reads note that came with Mary] "Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now..."
Jack Holden : [snatches note from Peter and reads] S-S-Sylvia?... Stratford! A year and a half... a year and a half ago. I did 'Taming of the Shrew'; she was the Shrew! I did some of my best work in that one... got great reviews!
Michael Kellam : Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself! I wanna kill you...
Peter : [holds Michael back] Don't worry, Michael, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary.
Jack Holden : But... uh... what am I supposed to do with it?
Peter : We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn.
Jack Holden : Okay... okay... I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard.
Michael Kellam : Goodnight, Jack.
Jack Holden : [as Mary begins to cry] Wait, what's wrong with her?
Michael Kellam : There's been shit all over the place!
Vince : You mean the package burst?
Michael Kellam : [Thinking they meant the baby] Well yes, I guess you could say that.
Vince : Well did you put the shit back?
Michael Kellam : No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?
Peter : Feel her teeth.
Michael Kellam : What?
Peter : The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.
Michael Kellam : I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!
[Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth]
Peter : I can't feel anything.
Michael Kellam : What does that mean?
Peter : It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!
Michael Kellam : Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?
Michael Kellam : See this? This is a hairy chest. You want one of these?
Michael Kellam : [to the baby as she's crying] You could drive a man to drink!