Sesame Street (1969– )
Frank Oz: Bert, Grover, Cookie Monster, Harvey Kneeslapper, Muppet, Frank, Prince Charming, Tessie Twiddlebug, Additional Anything Muppets, Backup Doctor...
Cookie Monster : [as Alistair Cookie, host of Monsterpiece Theatre] Today, we bring you greatest play in English language: Hamlet, by William Shakespeare. It no get classier than this.
Prairie Dawn : [Introducing Bert's play about taking care of one's teeth] Hello everyone, boys and girls. I want to welcome you and thank you for coming to see today's show. Today's show was written entirely by Bert, and was directed by Bert, and stars none other then our old friend Bert. If the play was just wonderful, you can thank Bert, but if the play was horrible, you have no one but Bert to blame.
Bert : [after appearing from behind the curtain] Prairie, will you stop that? Just go to the piano and start the play!
Prairie Dawn : [quieter] The stage manager is also Bert.
Bert : [Bert has reluctantly agreed to have Ernie give him a haircut... ] Ernie. I'm bald.
Ernie : Um... well, I wouldn't say that, Bert.
Bert : You wouldn't say that?
Bert : No, but it's true!
Ernie : Well, I know it's true, I just wouldn't say it, Bert.
Bert : [hysterical] You cut all my hair off!
Ernie : Yes, well, I 'm sorry about that...
Bert : Ernie!
Ernie : But, but it will grow back again, you know...
Bert : My hair!
Ernie : - that's one of the great things about hair, you know.
Bert : It'll take a *month* for it to grow back, Ernie!
Ernie : [plaintively] A whole month?
Bert : A whole month! What are you gonna do about it?
Ernie : Uh... Bert! I have just the thing for you. Just a second.
[ducks off screen]
Bert : Oh, my hair.
Ernie : [reappears carrying a large book] Here you go, Bert.
Bert : What is that, a book?
Ernie : Mm-hmm.
[places it on the ledge in front of them]
Bert : A book won't make my hair grow faster.
Ernie : No, but it'll give you something to do while you're waiting.
[snickers and runs off screen]
Bert : Errnieee!
Grover : Hello everybodeeeeeeeee! It is I, Grover!
Fat Blue : [in Grover's taxi] I do not want to go to the museum, I do not want to go the movies, I do not want to go to the zoo! I want YOU to drive ME to the library!
Grover : Gladly, sir. If you do not mind waiting.
Fat Blue : Waiting? Waiting for what?
Grover : 'Til I get my car fixed. It is broken.
Fat Blue : I can't wait 'til your car is fixed. I'm in a hurry!
Grover : Oh alright, sir, if you are going to be difficult.
Grover : Hey, Herry! Forget the gargage. We need to go to the library!
Fat Blue : But I'm in a hurry. Hey...?
Grover : Well in that case I shall call you a taxi.
Grover : Taxi! Taxi, we got a library job! Taxi! They never stop when you need them. Have you ever noticed that?
[as Super Grover]
Grover : Yes, it is I, *Sup*-er Grover! Protector of small children and bunny rabbits!
Cookie Monster : [before eating cookies] Cowabunga!
Grover : Hello, sir, and welcome to Grover's Taxi.
Fat Blue : Oh no, it's you!
Grover : Yes it is I, your furry blue taxi driver. What can I do for you, sir?
Fat Blue : I want to go to the library.
Grover : Oh a very wise choice. The library is a wonderful place with books to read and you can listen to records like "The Air is Alive with the Sound of Music."
Fat Blue : I know that. Let's go.
Grover : You know you can take home books from the library too, if you bring them back of course.
Fat Blue : I know. That's why I'm going there.
Grover : Of course you could also go to the zoo.
Fat Blue : I don't want to go to the zoo!
Grover : Why? There are lions and tigers there. And the lions go Rrrrroar! And do not forget the monkeys, they are so cute, they go "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!" And you can buy a balloon there.
Fat Blue : I don't wanna hear "Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh!" I don't want a balloon, I want to go to the library!
Cookie Monster : Cookie Monster thief, not liar.
[Grover is doing an exercise video]
Grover : Jane Fonda, eat your heart out!
Cookie Monster : What a dream! Oh, Very sad!
[as he was going to eat a cookie]
Cookie Monster : . OH! NO, NO, NO, NO! Never eat cookies again. NO! From now on, Me eat carrots. Yeah!
Cookie Monster : , And fish
Cookie Monster : , And whole wheat bread
Cookie Monster : , And NO! NO! Cookies! Sorry, Cookie. Me cannot eat you ever... Say you talking, Cookie?... You crying, Cookie?... Hmmm
[Eats the cookie]
Cookie Monster : Well, Maybe sometime a cookie.
Mr. Johnson : Oh boy, A bakery shop. Donuts, Cake, Cookies, Etc... I love this place.
Grover : Oh, Hello, Sir!
Mr. Johnson : Wait a minute, I know you! You are that waiter from over at Charlie's!
Grover : Yes, I have many jobs over the years.
Mr. Johnson : Alright, I want to make this very simple and not make any trobule, I would to buy a...
Grover : [as he interrupts Mr. Johnson's sentence] Excuse me, Sir! Sorry to interrupt you, But I must ask you to please take a number.
Mr. Johnson : But I am the only one in here!
Grover : I am sorry, Sir. But that is our policy. The sign says John's Bakery, Not Grover's Bakery. I only work here.
Mr. Johnson : Alright, I'll take a number.
Grover : Now, The machine will give you number. And when I call the number, You will be served, So go ahead!
[as Mr. Johnson pulls the lever of the number machine, It came out a sheet of the number]
Grover : Very good. And what's your number?
Mr. Johnson : Forty!
Grover : Forty! And that's your number!
Bert : Hey, Ernie, Ernie! Oh, Ernie, oh, Ernie! It's terrible. It's just awful what just happened to me.
Ernie : Well, what's the matter, Bert?
Bert : Oh, see, I was - I was in the kitchen making some bacon...
Ernie : Yeah...
Bert : And this monster appeared. This huge monster appeared.
[we Cookie Monster right by Ernie's side]
Ernie : A monster?
Bert : And, he ate all my bacon. Every strip of my bacon he ate. Oh, it's awful.
[Cookie Monster ducks off-screen]
Ernie : Oh, th - th - that's terrible, Bert.
Bert : Yeah.
Ernie : I mean, we just can't sit still while a monster comes and eats all your bacon.
[Cookie Monster reappears eating a letter "X" Ernie's holding]
Bert : No.
[they notice Cookie Monster eating the X]
Cookie Monster : I always like to eat bacon and X.
[laughs maniacally, then leaves]
Ernie : Stupid monster! He doesn't even know that eggs begin with "E."
Henry the Pig : Hey, Sid!
Sid the Pig : Yes, Henry?
Henry the Pig : Can a number four fly?
Sid the Pig : Uh No, Henry! It can't!
[Number 4 lands on the mud]
Henry the Pig : Oh, I guess I didn't think so!
Alistair Cookie : CUT!
Henry the Pig : Yeah?
Alistair Cookie : [Cuts to Alistair Cookie's living room] Me very sorry. That wasn't ''One Flew Over the Cuckoos' Nest!'' That was ''Four Flew Over the Pig Pent, and Land in Mud!''
Cookie Monster : [as Alistair Cookie, host of Monsterpiece Theater] Good evening and welcome to Monsterpiece Theater. Me, your host, Alistair Cookie. Tonight, Monsterpiece Theater proud to present classic play The Taming of The Shoe by William Shoespeare, famous podiatrist.
[Points to camera]
Cookie Monster : Trust me.
Ian McKellen : [smiling] Hello, I'm Ian.
Cookie Monster : And me Sir Cookie Monster!